Friday, December 30, 2011
Roll on four months, I meet him and as he hugs me in my car, he opens my bra too! I was not impressed. It reminds me, he has no boundaries, so after a number of expletives, I calm down. He went his way & I went mine, an hour later, I receive a text to say he left his Bluetooth in my car! How & where? I’m briefly confused, and then realise, this is his way, and he reminds me of the plant that catch’s flies. Later we meet & the last thing he says is, “We could fix this you know, if we worked hard at it”. I drive away.
Three days later, I am in his home. We have dinner & drinks, I cried a lot about the shitty ending we had and the hurt I felt. It really is the most I have cried since August! I ask him if he sees her, “About once a month”, he says, “But I don’t want a relationship with her & she doesn’t want one with me”. So I say, “You’re not dating then”? “No”, he says. So I go to the guest room & he follows, his love making is so familiar. The next morning we are intimate again & he goes to work. He comes home and we eat, but he isn’t sparking. He says, she says, “If you make love with her, I will be hurt”, so he says to me, “Think I’ll stick with plan A”. I didn’t need to ask what plan A is, he was going to lie to her and or, already had.
I had a meeting, so I went to do that. When it was over, a half an hour later, he went to his bed. Soon afterwards, I crept in silently to get my slippers. Creeping back out of his room, he sits up & starts chatting. “I thought you were asleep”, I say. “No”, he says. I then asked what he meant by the last thing he said last Sunday, he says, I didn’t mean anything by it”. So I ask him, "Why say it then?” and he just shrugs. I walk out of the room & go downstairs to make a phone call. Then I go to the office & spend time there and as it is time for bed, I head off to the main bathroom to take my make up off & brush my teeth, as you do. When I am almost finished, he comes in to the main bathroom, ignoring his en suite & uses the lavatory. After he washes his hands, he takes my hand and brings me to his bedroom. We make love again. But the smell of sex from his sheets is vile. Afterwards, he says, “She wanted to know why you were rooting today.” “I don’t root; I took paper from the top of your filing cabinet & put it on the floor & found the watch that you had lost over 8 months ago”, I say. “Plus, if I wasn’t dating you, that is not a question I would ask, as it has ownership”? He shrugs again. I get up & go to the guest room & sleep. He is gone by the time; I am awake the next morning. I turn on my computer & there is an email from him, thanking me for our “Grand Finale”! “Fuck you”, says I!
It is Friday, so I do my Twitter Friday Follow, shower, dress, pack, check his house at least 10 times, that there is nothing of me left, then I pack the car. Go back to the office & write an #FF especially for him which went, A very special 3 #FF to @....... Then I pack up my lap top & leave. I smile driving away, as I know he won’t see what is coming…………I like to be subtle when I metaphorically hit you with a ton of bricks! Though it is something I have rarely done in my life.
I arrived home & turn on my computer, to find a thank you from him for my #FF. I reply, “@....... It was my pleasure #Sincerely 3. Then he texted me, “Please stop with the tweets especially the 3, bound to ask what’s that about? You trying to shaft me?" I replied, “Oh Yes …… it’s what U fu*king deserve! Payback you low life! I am taking huge pleasure in this”. He says via text, “You ok?”, I reply “I am wonderful, thank U 4 Ur concern. I hope U get what Ur due, Sincerely” Then I put this tweet out on Twitter, “ @....... It is what it is xxx as it was 3 times ;) …… just so as you know. He then sent this text, “Any trust I ever had, any faith I ever had, any admiration I ever had, in you died today”. (I did notice he didn’t write any love!) & I replied, “You’re about 6 months behind me!”. To which he replied, “Don’t ever contact me or my family again!” My last reply to him was, “Fu*k Off, You Fraud”. I felt good inside that I had gotten my own back on the fecker and he hadn't thought me capable of it! And I felt, at least she’d know he’d charm the skin off a snake & lie all the while he was doing so.
The next morning around eleven o clock I deleted the posts, as I felt it wasn’t fair to leave them up. I knew my behaviour was not honourable. I had walked away in August, in December, I could not collude with his lies. He had lied to me for 3 years, he even went so far as to accused me, for the last year & a half, that I was flirting on direct messages on Twitter. I never did in the 3 years we were together. What really peed me off was I know this stuff! I know that everything I say, do, feel & think is 100% about me and therefore that is true for every other human being. And when I tried to discuss this with him, he’d brush it off & change the subject. It was so bad at times, that the only way I was anyway sure I was getting the truth was to ask him for scouts honour, then I had some idea that some of what he said was true! Why did he lie so much? I honestly do not know, but what I do know is that he subtly blamed his ex for the break- up of his marriage. I no longer believe that! He likes to see himself as a victim, victims do not ever take responsibility for their behaviour or their actions! Yes, I know on a professional level that this is a defence. Today, I am not being professional! I could also go places here with you, about why I had put up with this for so long, suffice to know, I know why I did!
The next horrible thing to happen in December was this. My 86 year old aunt, was on her way to see her dying eldest son & while changing buses she slipped & fell, breaking a bone in her shoulder. Now this lady is difficult! None of her children have anything to do with her. Her son died before she got to see him, which I found very sad. On the day of his funeral, she says she has to get a taxi to the hospital as she is in agony. This is the first time she has done anything about her broken bone. My Dad gets a taxi organised to bring her back, as she doesn’t want to wait for me to collect her. My job in the meantime is to find her a nursing home, as I am her next of kin. Eventually the social worker finds one, I cannot! She stays in the nursing home, which she states she hates, for 4 weeks, but I need her to stay another 5 days, as then I can get her, with the help of her GP into the county hospital in the town where she lives. Those four weeks, were very difficult, trust me when I say this, because in truth, she does not want to stay there. The reality was, she was incapable of looking after herself! I gave her the option of complaining to the statuary body who govern nursing homes, if she could give me dates, names & times, she declined! She became very aggressive with me, to the point of shouting at me, which is behaviour, I will not accept. If someone shouts at me, I am not ever in a place to hear them! Anyway, two days before she said she would leave the nursing home, I had two meetings with her local public health nurse & about 4 phones calls with her GP, who all advised that she stay in the nursing home for another 5 days. That particular day, I happened to be working in the town she lives in and I went up to her house to put on the heating, in case her pipes would burst and I collected fresh clothes & her post for her. I also emptied her bin & fridge of food that was out of date and rotting! That evening after work, I went to see her & stood behind her in the nursing home while she was on the phone to a friend of hers. I was so taken aback by what I heard her say………….. She said “Patricia was in my house all day today & I don’t know why. She also wants me to stay here & I don’t know what her ulterior motive is”. I was shocked, as I had had to do my own days’ work as well as all the work I had put in for her & I had only been in her house for a half to ¾’s of an hour, plus the only motive I had, was that she was safe, as she was not in a place to look after herself. So………… I faced her and said to her, “Don’t ever lie about me again”, at which point she said goodbye to her pal on the phone. I said, it was me & nothing and now it is nothing, as I am washing my hands of you. The reality is, you are falling a lot, to which she replied, “Oh now you are telling me I am not corpus mentis” and I replied, “No, that is not what I am saying, however, you do forget you fall, but if you want to go home, then do, but I am washing my hands of you. At that point, I had had my fill of people who lie to me or about me. I spoke with the nurse while crying & left. This, trust me, is the short version of this story. I am no longer my aunt’s next of kin, nor do I have any desire to be either. Plus I was exhausted.
This is a new road I am taking btw. Prior to this, I would have forgiven the person who either lied to me or about me. I’m not making myself out to be a goody two shoes here, this truly was my reality. However, after my experience of your man the blood sucker and then my aunt, I sincerely had enough shite. I realise it isn't about forgiving them, this is about healing me.
To top this, my daughter was moving house, so I went up that very same week, to clean her house before she moved. Now when I say I clean, I seriously clean. (I reckon in a previous life, if there is such a thing, I was a char lady!) My sister joined me a few hours later & even though I was fatigued to my bones, I still cleaned. I was beyond exhaustion by the time my daughter & eventually her partner came home. My daughter’s partner is so passive aggressive & rude to me, it is mind boggling. In fact, my daughter’s partner is a bully. I then decided that night, that I just did not need to be in their company again. However, (And again, this is the short version), after thinking and discussing it with a pal of mine, I decided that if I did that, then I would be colluding with their bullying behaviour & that I will not do. So, while I will be in their company, I will have huge boundaries around myself & if my daughter’s partner tries to bully me again, I will name it! I cannot give in to this bullying behaviour, if I do, I collude with it and I will not collude! Also, I am important enough to me, not to allow this bully, bully me!
I wrote this blog in the hope that I would see what it is I need to learn here, because I do have a huge learning in all of this. All my life, I have acted & behaved in a most loving and forgiving manner. (Now I am getting emotional), I think I have always hoped that the people I love, would respond in kind to my loving forgiving kindness. In truth, they don’t! I was 50 this year and what I have learnt is this………… People who are indifferent to their own souls, DO NOT respond in kind to, loving & forgiving behaviour. Their need is to crush and to suck every ounce of giving you have in you & they do not give back. This has been my life experience, but it has taken me until now to see it!
Before Christmas I was so angry at the world, these people & God, but I sat with it. On Christmas eve eve, I had a very long conversation with my sister and she saw I was on the brink of cynicism, it is a place I do not want to go to. If I did, I knew, I would lose my essence. I do not want to lose how beautiful I am. So I teetered on the edge. Then on Christmas eve, I woke early at 6 a.m. with a sore throat & I sat with all of this, I knew I was still very angry and that I felt huge loss and grief for the wrong that I felt was done to me. My sore throat indicated to me that I was not speaking my truth. On Christmas eve, I had a huge need to go to confession. I did go & I told the priest about my behaviour with my ex boy-friend. I had behaved badly. Christmas day & Stephens day were lovely & that night, I drove home & woke the next day vomiting & I ached from head to toe. Yesterday, I went to the doctor, as I have a chest infection, which equals loss & grief. I spent a good deal of yesterday screaming out loud, on my own, here at home. I know it sounds mad, but it isn’t, my truth is it's a healthy thing to do. I am not hurting anyone, not even myself, but I am getting my anger & frustration out in a safe way for me. Try it sometime, even when you are driving alone, in my experience it works. My cough is not as bad today!
What I have realised in writing this, is this…………… I have stood up for myself, albeit, awkwardly! I am not used to taking such a significant stand with anyone, ever. In a three week period, I had three people I needed to stand up to and to own my own truth. Physically this has taken its toll on my body. However, the body, I believe is never wrong, it mirrors for us what is going on for us on the inside & our behaviour shows this on the outside & it shows in our health or the lack thereof. My lesson is to take positive action for me and mostly, love me, because I am so worth loving! Plus I now know when I see a blood sucker, they are not for me! They won’t even get one chance. Also, I had created an illusion & judged this man & my aunt on my own values & standards, when in truth, that simply was not true for them. Also, I can only rescue me!
This has been and is painful for me. However, if it wasn’t painful, I would not listen & nor would I have taken heed and the time to learn what I needed to learn from these experiences, because what arises in me, is about me. Sometimes, life throws me tough lessons, these I experienced as tough.
"Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need, to love you, to hate you, to make you, to break you & to make you the person you were meant to be......"
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Why do you have Goldman Sachs as advisors?
One day, the truth will be forced upon you & all politicians.
Why not wake up now?
Why are you causing your fellow man, woman & child such financial hardship with all your austerity measures?
When will you know & realise that HUMAN BEINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY?
Just look at these two links, there are hundreds more like these.
Human beings are waking up, nothing will stop this, because truth will always out.
Where is your humanity?
Where is your compassion?
Where is your love of self?
If I don’t speak up, I am as guilty as you. I cannot be silent.
May the love of God reach your heart this Christmas time.
Here is FG's response to my email.............19/12/11
Thank you for your email.
The Party is grateful to everybody who takes the time to get in touch
and takes seriously your concerns.
Fine Gael in Government is working hard to build a better Ireland. We
welcome all communication which assists us in our task and have noted
I have forwarded your email to the Office of An Taoiseach, Enda Kenny
Head of Internal Communication
Fine Gael Headquarters
51 Uppr Mount St, Dublin 2
The Taoiseach's office response is...........
Dear Ms. Trich
I wish to acknowledge receipt of your email of 19 December, 2011 which will
be brought to the Taoiseach's attention as soon as possible.
Assistant Private Secretary
to the Taoiseach
Do you think I will hear from Enda himself?
Thursday, December 1, 2011
When I say "tradition transition", I'm referring to the change in holiday rituals I've grown up with here, in the southeastern United States. I was raised in Georgia by my amazing grandmother, and for as long as I can remember, Thanksgiving and Christmas had her at the center of it.
She was the family matriarch, and I respected that. Maybe I even loved her all the more for it, because she was the enduring link that held our family together. For years, in spite of incredible dysfunction, we were a family (mostly) united. We came together in love and fellowship and an appreciation of amazing food, because my grandmother was the best cook EVER.
But as much as I miss her cooking, I miss her so much more. Cancer took her in March of 2010, and when she died, so did those specific traditions. My family had already been slowly separating over the years--it's just the way life works sometimes--and her death was the final stroke that destroyed our ties.
I was devastated and didn't see past my own grief for awhile. For me, Thanksgiving and other holidays became dreaded events, and I felt lost. Last year, I spent Thanksgiving with my best friend's family and my dad (former stepdad, on paper, but the man who's been dad for my whole life). I felt disconnected and out of place. I thought, This just isn't the same as granny's house, and it will never be so again.
I made myself miserable, and I was the life of the pity party, and nothing (at that time) could relieve me of it. I was heartbroken, really, but you know what they say about that. A heart might be broken but it keeps beating, and with time comes healing.
This year, I had a "come-to-Jesus" talk with myself and knew I was going to make things different, and with God's help, make them better. See, I've got this precious little girl named Ivy, and she's counting on me and looking to me to teach her traditions. I'm her mother, it's my job to make her childhood as memorable as possible, and It's time for me to step into the role to do what's right.
I did spend Thanksgiving with my dad again, but this time it wasn't with a heavy heart. I also realized something; my traditions haven't changed--only the people have. We all still said the "blessin'' (Yep, that's southern-speak for the pre-dinner prayer) before we lined up to serve ourselves in a buffet style fashion. We were all together to be thankful for the many things God has granted in a spirit of love and caring.
The foods were the ones I've always had at Thanksgiving--turkey, smoked ham, cornbread dressing, sweet potato souffle, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, potato salad and much more. Oh, and i can't forget to mention the sweet iced tea--I wouldn't be a proper southerner if I'd left that out.
It was a beautiful day, and we had a wonderful time. Next year I plan to cook at home for my little girl and husband and whoever else might be staying on at the time (I've always opened my home to people in need, so I usually have someone extra). Then I'll go to my dad's again, because I think he and his wife have started to come to expect it.
New traditions are being formed, and that's how it will always be for everyone, I'd imagine. Something old will be replaced by something new, people will come and go, and different new memories will be made throughout our lifetimes.
How we choose to accept it will determine how receptive we are to God's many blessings, and I'm choosing to roll with the changes. For myself, for my daughter, and for everyone who is still amongst the living that still needs my love. I love my grandmother, and I miss her like crazy, but I'm still living for a reason, and I suspect I'd better make the most of it.
Trich, thank you so much for asking me to post, and I apologize it wasn't a bit sooner. Many blessings to you and to all of your readers.
A wee while back Amberr kindly asked me to do to a guest blog on her blog! Sincerely, I was chuffed, as I had not being asked to do one before! This concept was in fact very new to me. She asked me to do a blog on where I live & I love where I live. Afterwards, I got to thinking, wouldn't it be lovely to ask Amberr to do a guest blog for my blog. I was genuinely excited about it, as I had requested she do a blog on Thanksgiving, as I had not ever experienced a real life Thanksgiving! However, I had been invited to my very first Thanksgiving on the 27th November 2011, by an American friend & her family, who now live in West Cork. This turned out to be a memorial day for me, because I got to meet her family & friends, who were as delicious as the food I ate that day.
Then Amberr sent me what you've read above. I loved the real human painful learning in what Amberr has written. This is life, this is also LOVE!
Go raibh mile maith agat Amberr, my sincere gratitude to you, with much love.
This is the link to Amberr's travel blog and more..........
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Robert Glatter, MD, Emergency Medicine, 10:19PM Nov 13, 2011
If you haven't already seen this in your ED, some female teenagers have a new and dangerous way that they are experimenting with alcohol--soaking tampons in vodka. Rectal use has also been reported with males and females as well.
Apparently, some teenagers believe that it is a more rapid, lasting and intense way to get drunk. Law enforcement as well as EDs throughout the country are seeing this in increasing numbers over the past year apparently, according to a recent news story out of Phoenix.
From a physiological standpoint, ethanol gets absorbed directly and rapidly from the vagina since its a highly vascular structure, and without any barriers, leading to higher serum levels of ethanol more rapidly.
Beer bongs have also been utilized rectally in the same concept as a vodka soaked tampon- leading to the same rapid effect of alcohol intoxication.
Teens apparently have turned to this method because they believe that they can hide the smell of alcohol from their parents as well as the police. They have also figured out that this method can avoid the nausea and vomiting and other obvious signs of ethanol intoxication- the only issue is that they often pass out before realizing that they have had too much to drink. (incidentally, it has been reported that a super tampon can hold about a shot of vodka, which is quite potent when it's absorbed directly into the bloodstream)
It is important to emphasize to teens that they will not pass a breathalyzer test because they didn't drink the booze-- the assay obviously checks for checks for a systemic alcohol level-not what is expired in their breath.
ER personnel need to be aware that patients who present to an ED with a depressed level of consciousness, without the smell of alcohol and clinical suspicion for ongoing intoxication need to have a rectal and vaginal exam to exclude tampons or other foreign bodies as a source of ongoing chemical intoxication. This could obviously lead to a delay in care (and diagnosis), as well as a source of ongoing intoxication, if this is missed on physical exam.
Robert Glatter, MD
I received this from a friend of mine who is a paramedic! I am so grateful I do not have teenage daughters, anymore! I really feel this is important, hence, I am blogging it. Awareness is always a key to understanding.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
This is the link to my guest blog on Amberr's blog........
By the way, this Sunday I will experience, for the very first time in my life, a Thanksgiving dinner & I am very excited about it! \o/ I'll let you know how it goes :)
Monday, October 24, 2011
This is not what I need to chat about today though. The other subject, I have wanted to express, is what has brought happiness and fun to me in my life. To be honest, I have not found this subject easy. In that, when I think of a subject to write about, I tend to allow it to develop subconsciously for a time and then when I feel moved by the subject, I’ll write about it. Having said that, I truly do not fully know what will come out of me! Believe me when I say this, sometimes, I am surprised by what I write. Writing has always been my safety net. I have diaries galore & note pads and pieces of paper where I have so needed to get out what & how I feel on the inside, OUT! It has always been my safety valve. Not that I use it to its full potential, I have not. If I did, I would finish my autobiography, my novel and my children’s stories! Maybe soon………!
What brings me happiness? Playing when I was a child brought me happiness. Although, in my truth, I was often too busy doing chores and being responsible in my family of origin to play as often as I'd have liked too. Play to children is vital. I can say this now as an adult, because as a child I didn’t know how vital it was to the well-being of the soul. You see way back then, because I was affirmed, for doing house-hold chores, I preferred to do chores, rather than play. I was your ultimate, in my experience, responsible child. But I did love to play the farmer has a wife, skipping, cycling, swimming, ballet, dance and tying a rope around an An Post pole and swing around it for hours, wrapping my body around the pole, no matter how raw my butt got! After a while, I got sense and used a cushion to spare my butt from being rope burnt. Tis a sore thing! You know my children have never had this pleasure!
In my teens, happiness for me was being outrageously safe! A paradox! Yes. I have always needed to be safe, given my life, you can see why. I’ll explain, I grew up in a very suppressed Ireland, where everything was a sin and no one told the truth. I am not blaming here, this was my reality. I used to always hate lies, until I discovered that I lie when I do not feel safe, so it is why other’s lie too. Then I understood when a body lies, it is because they do not feel safe to be truthful. It makes sense to me, because it is why I lied when I was a child. However, in my teens, I rebelled against lies. I would challenge adults around me, whether they were my parents or my teachers with oodles of questions in order to understand life. Seemingly, I did it when I was a child too, so my favourite aunt tells me, I always asked questions. I did stop asking questions in primary & secondary school as it was beaten out of me, as it was at home too. Now to explain why I was outrageous in my teens & in truth, I can still be verbally outrageous, in that I do say it as it is for me! (People find me very challenging because of this, but you know what, I like this part of me!) I couldn’t accept a lot of the tripe I was taught when I was young. My need was always to know WHY? So in my late teens being outrageously safe meant asking those awkward questions that every parent hopes their off spring don’t ask when visitors or the parish priest called………….Well I asked those questions! Much to my parents consternation and to this day, I am still the same! I am more honouring now, (I hope), I’ve learned to be. So asking questions was and still is very important to me & yes it still brings me happiness, even though I can and still do put my size 5’s in it! Over years I learnt not to beat myself up internally at those times I got it skewed ways! I love having the courage to ask questions, that I do not know the answer to, even if it means I may look foolish. Having said that, I do not believe any question is ever foolish!
The only difference between adults and children, are that adults have more life experience and often children are wiser than adults, because children see through the BS!
In my late teens I didn’t date that often, I was too terrified to. If a guy I was dating, “dropped the hand” in the Ark, (A dance hall in Cork), I broke it off with him! Years later, I actually said this to someone and he replied, “Gee Trich, there must be a lot of guys going around Cork with only one hand”! I cracked up laughing at the visual this made in my head. So humour is very important to me and it does bring me much happiness. Comedians I love are Brendan Carroll, because he is outrageous, also Tommy Tiernan and most of all, AbiePB, his humour is so intelligent & funny and I get it, that it brings enormous joy to my life. I can definitely say that I am a major fan of Abie’s and I tend not to be a fan type! Now to clarify here, these comedians were introduced to my life much later in my life! My point here is that in my late teens, I realised that humour and learning to laugh with oneself is a vital part of survival. For me! During my late teens I was a pain in the ass conservative! (Even to myself, believe it or not!)
Falling in love was such a wonderful experience, as was the first eighteen months of my marriage. Month nineteen, the shit hit the fan……… but that’s another story! Being in love is a gift, later on I learnt that being in love with self is far more important! Sadly, I don’t think, I have ever gotten to that place yet. However, I do love & like who I am and in my bones, I know inherently that I am the best person I know and I really love that part of me. This beings happiness to my life too.
Happiness in adulthood came in the guise of my children and dogs. Both are so much fun as long as I allow them to be. I have learnt my best life lessons from both of them. Your children love you no matter what, they teach you to remember unconditional love, as it is how every child loves. I will truly always be grateful to my beautiful Darling Daughters for reminding me what unconditional love is. What is so remarkable & special about children, is this, for me, they love you no matter what. Allow that to seep into your soul. No matter what it is you do, your child loves you, unconditionally. Are children not a reflection of God’s love for us?
I could write a whole other story about the dogs in my life, for now though, I will concentrate on their loyalty to their master. As a very young child, we had a dog called Skippy, whom I adored. She was killed crossing the road one day & she is buried in the back garden of a house that we lived in, in Togher, Cork. I didn’t realise it then, but for many many years after her death, I could not love any other dog. I was broken hearted when she died. Fast forward twenty six years and I was given a Christmas present of Scienne, a white Westie. I so loved this dog, just like I had so loved Skippy. One morning when she was 8 months old, I let her out to pee before I went to work and when I brought her in again, I looked at her very sad face, and I asked her why she looked so sad? Obviously she didn’t answer! So I went off to work. That evening on my way home, I received a phone call, on one of the first big mobile phones that she had been involved in an accident and to go straight to the vets. She was dead when I arrived. I can honestly say, I cried for a year afterwards. I so missed her love and the fun I had with her. I often wonder why I felt she looked at me in such a sad way that morning.Then I inherited Cleo, another white Westie and she so loves me and is incredibly loyal to me. Even if I get cross with her, she still wags her tail and licks me. (Even though I do not like being licked by a dog!) Plus she is a super companion to me. She too brings much happiness and fun to my life.
My two girls, while very different, I love unconditionally. My happiest memories in my life are with them. In reality, I had my best and worst of times in their presence. But children are so much fun and because I didn’t have as much fun as a child, I did find having fun with them, hard at times. The joy they brought to my life is a gift I will always hold in my heart. In my truth, my children taught me and reminded me what unconditional love is. This is the greatest gift I have received in my life. It is a major source of my happiness too. Children forgive their parents EVERYTHING. Therefore, it is so important to know this and not ever abuse this gift. For it is the greatest gift a parent receives, even when times are tough going. Hold this in your heart, because when they fly the nest, these memories are the stuff that keep you going when your days may get dark.
I have learnt that I need fun in my life as it brings happiness to my being. The last two men I dated were so much fun, that I only recently learnt that fun, is what I need to create for me in my life. What else brings fun to my world? Real relationships that are both honest and mature. And of course my own relationship with me! Humour too. And to dance like there is no one watching and trust me, I am good at that!
Intimacy with myself and another is another source of happiness to me. However, I will refrain from being outrageous on that topic! ;) These are the things that bring me happiness and fun. Today was a good day to remind myself about what brings happiness to my life.
Now ask yourself, what brings you happiness and fun?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
As most of you may know, I am a qualified relationship mentor & I believe that the most important relationship we have in life is with self. Well, I also believe, that a relationship with God is as important. God for me is God the father & his son Jesus. I tend to pray to them and our lady the most. I love the Sacred Heart & always have. When I have found it really hard to pray in my life, then I tend to say, Oh most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you. It was only when I became a mother myself that Our Lady, became important in my life too. My reason for loving the Sacred Heart is because his heart is exposed and from his heart there is love. I suppose I like to think that I am a heart person & when I reflect on the passion of Christ and what he went through, then he must have loved all of mankind to have gone through such pain & torture for us. Spiritually I am quite traditional. I love praying and any day or days, (as is the case), that I don’t pray, I feel there is something missing in my life. That “something” is solid & good & I have a sense of connection, a feeling of being whole, which I loose, when I disconnect from prayer. I like going to mass too, but rarely go! I’m smiling here because I self-sabotage on what I love to do! I like confession. But again, rarely go. I do the same thing with dance, I say this to give balance.
Who is God? Well when I had religion class in primary school, I was told “God is our father in heaven”. That is seriously abstract isn’t it? In answer to my own question, no, it isn’t as abstract as I may have first thought. God made me & you and I believe, we are all made in his image. So if I am made in God’s image, then what is God’s image? One word, LOVE. Then I am love. I believe love is our eternal legacy to the world & to the people we meet in life. I truly believe that if we really realised how much we are loved by God, that we would weep with joy. Sit with that for a while. Imagine if all the people on earth truly believed & understood we are unconditionally loved, for who we are, warts and all, wouldn’t the world be a fabulous place to live in.
All I need to do is look at the beauty of our world, to see the beauty of God’s love for all mankind. God made us a magnificently beautiful world to inhabit while we live our lives here on earth. Sometimes, I don’t allow that truth settle into the core of my being. I forget.
Then when I try to get any other concept of God, it truly boggles my mind. My human brain just doesn’t grasp that God was always there. Or how could he have thought of making the universe, the stars, the sun, the moon, the whole galaxy! And how was God always there?!? Looking at nature, with its seasonal changes, the PH balance in Oceans, all the animals, flowers & trees, God thought them all up. He thought each individual up too. Now I know you can say, well my Mum & Dad made me & certainly that is true, however, of all the sperm that made it to the egg, one sperm gets through & you are made. Who decides what sperm gets through? Is that a Divine decision? Is that what is so sacred about conception? I do know this, that when both my children were conceived, our love making on both those nights, had an added dimension & was incredible special.
Given the life I have lived, I used to ask this question, how come I didn’t end up a hooker and a drug user or an alcoholic? I am a drug user, in that I smoke cigarettes & I know why I smoke them. I do drink wine, but I am lucky in that my body cannot take a lot of alcohol. I can’t bear to be drunk & sick, so I just don’t go there. I didn’t end up a hooker, mainly because as a child I felt I was one. That is true & I did feel huge shame & guilt about it when I was much younger, until I realised that I didn’t own that shame and guilt. I was after all a child. On a deeper level, I truly believe & it took me years to answer this question for myself, that it was my relationship with God that kept me safe. Some might say, the “Straight & narrow” path, however, in my experience there is nothing straight and narrow about God. God is all encompassing in my experience.
When I was about 15 years old, I hated my father with a passion, I was consumed with hate for him. Then one day, on my way to mass, quite near the church, this voice came into my head and said, “Trich as long as you hate him, you will destroy yourself”. It was a physical jolt to my body & in that moment, I knew this voice was right. Yes you could say this was my own inner wisdom saying this to me, and maybe you’d be right, for me though, I felt it was God saying this to me. From that moment on I prayed so that I would forgive my Dad & equally prayed that I wouldn’t have any sexual hang-ups. Through my prayers, I achieved both. I also did a lot of therapy too. And I started reading psychology & self-help books from the age of 18. From my mid-thirties, I went to college to study human behaviour.
I learned that there are 8 expressions of self, one of those expressions is Spirituality. We are all spiritual beings. It is an area I neglect sometimes. It is an area I love too. Religion doesn’t bother me, because when I was young, I realised that there was only one God anyway & what really matters, is how I live my life here on earth. One of the biggest lessons I learned very early in my life, is that when someone was kind & compassionate to me, I grew taller on the inside, it helped me to feel good about who I am. Much later in my life, I realised that I needed to be both kind and compassionate with me. I didn’t (I hope), forget a kindness done to me. When I realised that kindness lifted my own spirit, I decided to be kind towards others. Through understanding myself, I was able to be compassionate towards people and in so doing, became compassionate towards myself. I believe they are God’s gifts to us all, if we choose them. After all, God gave us the right to choose or free will as some may like to call it.
This year I did a lot of reading on “Near Death Experiences” and without exception, those that travelled towards the Light, through the tunnel and ended up on the other side, experienced in the core of their being, unconditional love. So much so they did not want to return! I have two ambitions in life, one is to be who God made me to be, my need is to be my own unique expression of him here on earth. For me that means being the best of who I am and accepting the worst of who I am and not judging either. In those times where I am not in my best place and hurt those I love and I do, is to seek their forgiveness and my own forgiveness & to say I am sorry. This year saw me have many nights of tears for the hurt I have caused to others & myself in my life. I did try to make amends, but because the person I had hurt, was so hurt, they rejected my attempt to make amends. I don’t for a moment blame them, I accept this is where they are. I also accept when I hurt them, that was where I was! I do wish the outcome had been different.
My only other ambition is that when I die I go home to heaven. I truly desire eternity being in the presence of unconditional love. God.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I went on to Twitter very early this morning and saw this quote, which was apt for where I am right now in my life.
A relationship I was in for 3 years, on and off, ended. I don’t intend to blame either him or me. I don’t do blame.
I own what I own and I take full responsibility for my part in the break-up.
There is no doubt in my heart that I love this man and always will. I love when he smiled, he showed his inner beauty, his humour is incredibly funny. He used to think I was funny, when I didn’t even realise it!
He is eclectic and so logical. Brilliant with computers too, from which I gained. I gained in many other ways too. He also has passion & loves bold. I do bold well!
We had great fun together.
It was a difficult relationship for both of us.
However, it is not that I wish to dwell upon. What I learned in this relationship, about me, will stand me in good stead for the rest of my life here on earth. I am deeply grateful for that, even though, it was one of the most painful lessons I have ever learned. He never set out to teach me this lesson, nor, I believe, did he know he would teach me this lesson, but he did.
I’ve just realised todays date! Today seventeen years ago, my marriage ended.I am so emotional right now! On this day 17 years ago, my ex-husband and I separated.
(Long pause here)
You know, I didn’t know then, that 17 years later I’d still be single! I am glad I didn’t! Truly.
It would have been too big to bear for me then.
My truth be told, I didn’t give another relationship much thought. In fact, it took me 5 years after my marriage break-up to go out with someone else. I felt too vulnerable. Even when I did get back into another relationship, the truth eventually came out, as it always does. He was in fact, married. But I didn’t know that, until, it was finished and then his wife phoned me! That will be a whole other chapter in itself in my autobiography!
One truth, that is my truth, is that when a relationship is very difficult, as my three relationships have been for me, it is important to listen & know it is time to honour self and move on. I am slow to listen to my inner voice! That inherent knowing wisdom, that I have yet to learn to trust fully.
Ironically and paradoxically, I am trained as a relation mentor. If there was anything more in my face, it is this moment, it is to believe my own inner voice! I need to have a healthier more loving relationship with Trich! Because, ALL relationships begin with self! That IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP, it is AS important as my spiritual relationship with GOD!We are all spiritual being too. God says in his commandments, LOVE GOD, YOUR NEIGHBOUR, AS YOURSELF!
Do you know, I didn’t set out to write about the fact that my marriage legally ended today 17 years ago, in my truth, it had ended long before that. I intended to pay tribute to my last love, but when a body sits down to write, expect the unexpected! I did not expect to write this.
Each love I’ve had, of which there were three, each taught me much about who I am. How our attraction, was, based upon our own unique pain bodies, which attracts like with like. Whose sole intention is to heal each one of us individually, if we allow the lesson to be positive, rather than negative. The most important blessing I have learned about love, is it is an energy and that energy does NOT die, even if we deny it. Love never dies. Love is the essence of GOD, GOD will never die, therefore, LOVE never dies. Unless of course, we choose perdition!
Choose wisely…………………………………… Love is forever, if you choose this path.
I dedicate this to the men I have loved and still love, always and forever.
Copy right protected.
This forms another chapter in my autobiography.
Monday, September 12, 2011
In 1999, I decided to take a career break from my good job in Dublin with the then EHB.
The previous number of years had been gruelling. A story I will tell in full, in my autobiography.
In September 1988, four years after my marriage, I discovered, I was pregnant for the second time. I knew I was pregnant while driving to Limerick, with my almost, two and half year old daughter Robyn. I was ovulating & I knew instantly, that I was pregnant with another daughter. Here was my logic, I had taken a “chance” four nights previously and for the second time in my life to that point, our loving making, was a very special. (When, in my experience you make another life it is also spiritually unique.) The first time this had happened was when Robyn was conceived. That was clue number one. I also decided that only the XY chromosome would be stronger to survive the long journey to my ovaries and was more robust than the XX chromosome, hence, the baby would be a girl. I was pleased about that, that the baby would be a girl. I had always felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. My reasons for saying this were, I was the second child and had an older brother who bullied me when we were children & into my teens. I hated being bullied by him. As the second male in our family, he was, in my opinion, spoilt! I being the eldest girl, tended to get a lot of the household chores, as my mother worked outside the home. I had always sworn that if I ever had a son, he would do as many jobs as any daughter I might have! That was the reason, I felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. In reality, I have no idea if that, would be the case, but it was how I had felt then!
I was driving to see my aunt, who had just given birth to her second child after sixteen years.
I stayed in Limerick for a week or so and had in the meantime phoned home & confided my instincts to my husband, he naturally did not believe me! As soon as I thought I’d be able to confirm my pregnancy, I got to a chemist and bought a pregnancy kit. When said hubby got home that night, the evidence was there and he could not deny the blue line with the plus!
In truth, I wasn’t happy about being pregnant, although, it was the least of my worries. You see I knew in my gut, that my marriage was doomed to fail. Even then and I had huge sadness about it. I so wanted and needed my marriage to work. Sadly, that wasn’t in my reality.
However, being protective of myself & my growing baby, I went into denial about this fact! In truth, I did have psychological “leak outs”, as we humans do, but then, I didn’t know that this is what they were called then. (In that, I knew in my core that my marriage would end, but for my own protection and my babies, I denied it, however, it kept coming back to my consciousness from time to time, hence, psychological leak out!) In and around three months, I started to bleed and was ordered to bed rest. I remember talking with my growing baby and I asked her to stay. The conversation went a little like this…..”I know I didn’t plan to have you, I wouldn’t have ever planned on having a second child, however, little baby, I love you and I want you to stay. What do you think? Would you like me as a Mummy?” All the while I would be gently massaging my tummy and speaking with my voice full of love for this child growing inside of me. She did decide to stay & Megan arrived into our world in August of 1989.
One month to the day later, hubby had a vasectomy. We had to use condoms for the next three months. I’m smiling here as I write this, because, at the time, I lived in Naas County Kildare and there was a chemist, I had the misfortune to ask, do you have condoms? I was given a glaring stare of mega disapproval and told frankly, “No, we don’t sell them”. I was mortified walking out of that shop. In those days condoms were not freely available and only became legalised in Ireland in 1994!
I vividly remember breast feeding Megan one day when she was nearly five months old and adoring her as I looked down at this beautiful child and thanking her for staying with me. I told her how thrilled and grateful I was that she had stayed. It was a very special moment.
Christmas week, hubby got a phone call from the Vasectomy Consultant’s office, to say that his seaman was clear of sperm and we could go ahead and have unprotected sex! What a Christmas present! In reality, it wasn't, not really!
The following year, near the end of September, we were all travelling to Birmingham for a huge gardening /Horticultural / hardware exhibition. We would stay with hubby’s brother & wife. I had weaned Megan off the boob at the end of July, one, because I followed her sister’s pattern of being allergic to feeding at eleven and a half months. And two, I had had enough! Sin é.
This meant I was free to go out while we were away and meet up with all the suppliers / customers I knew, as my sister-in-law had agreed to look after the girls. I was really looking forward to it. So before I left Ireland I went to my doctor to get a prescription for the pill, as I had had my first period after 20 months and it had lasted for three weeks and I wasn’t having any of that! For whatever reason, I forgot the prescription & seriously didn’t think of it for the first week I was in Birmingham.
That first week was full of dining out and meeting up with suppliers and customers and I wasn’t well! The nausea was awful and I had to really control my breathing in order to subdue it and I picked at my food. I even remember to this day saying to myself one night over dinner, “This feels like I am pregnant” and then I reprimanded myself by saying, “go on ya eejit Trich”! In the second week, the exhibition was over and one night, I got my period! Mad panic I can tell you, when I realised I didn’t have my prescription with me! However, my wonderful sister-in-law made an appointment for me with her GP. He asked me was the pill to prevent pregnancy and I categorically stated NO. Hubby had a vasectomy last year and this was purely to regulate my period! So he gave me the prescription and I duly got the pill and couldn’t believe the whole experience didn’t cost me a cent! We have never had a service in Ireland like the NHS, God bless them.
Two months later, I was giving my 3rd and final speech in Naas toastmasters, it was a Wednesday night. My evaluator gave me the worst evaluation ever! I was gutted, because it had taken so much courage for me to stand up and do this speech! All he spoke about during my evaluation was the other person’s speech and how good they were! I wasn’t confident enough then or even mature enough to realise that that was about him, rather than me. My speech had been good, not brilliant, but quite good, I thought. Anyway, I was devastated about it. The following day I moped around the house and cried my heart out. Little did I know, I was in fact, very hormonal! At exactly 5 P.M. I was in the loo having a miscarriage and for the first and only time in my hubby’s life with me, he walked in the front door, while I stood frozen to the spot with a three month old foetus!
I hadn’t even known I was pregnant! In Birmingham, I had totally dismissed my notion of pregnancy. I wasn’t listening to my own internal wisdom! This I can still do!
To cut a long story short, the previous August, before we had gone to the UK, hubby woke up one Saturday morning in testicular agony. He didn’t have “Blue Balls”, as we had made love the previous night! So he hurry’s off to the doctor with testicles gently in hand, to discover, he had a large swelling in the left one! He needed a scan, however, he never went for it, as he was too busy preparing for the exhibition in Birmingham. He was given antibiotics, however, the swelling, which had been there a while, had acted as a bridge between the two vast deference, that had been cut in surgery & hence, I conceived for the third & last time in my life. This swelling acted as a bridge & allowed sperm through, it was called “an act of God” and the chances of it happening are one in seven thousand! My sister laughed when I told her and said, “it could only happen to you Trich”, that was all the sympathy I got from her. I was devastated and in absolute shock and even more so, when I heard the Vasectomy Consultant said to hubby, “Now Mr O’ you must take into consideration that your wife may have had an affair!” I still get angry with the fecker for judging me like that. For the record, I didn’t have an affair. If Mr Consultant had only known the trauma I went through, he could not have ever said this, but he did and it was more trauma for me!
I have since studied psychology for five years, so I know a lot more now about who I am. I am still learning & learning about who I am isn't always easy, given I still don't always trust my own inner voice! I do love who God made me to be. I know, I am human in the best & worst aspects of human frailty! Life and my responses to it, whether I choose to be honesty or deceitful or positive or negative, IT IS MY CHOICE, I constantly choose my way of being in our world. I am deeply grateful to have all the choice I have.
Ben's presence in my life taught me to listen to my own natural wisdom. I write this today, because since, there have been many times, I still haven't listened. I write this as a reminder, to myself, of the importance of listening to my inner voice.
Ben, my son, died on the 28th November 1990.
This is your story Ben, I am grateful for what you taught me, even though, your presence in my life was short.
With much love always and forever xox
Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness ~ Shakti Gawain In my experience, this is true!
Copy right protected.
This forms a chapter in my autobiography.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Paul Heslin interviewed me last June, I think!
I had a lovely time with Paul on air.
See the link below to the radio show.
I hope you enjoy :)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
All these rioters are doing is showing, how hard life is for them on the inside.
I do not agree with violence, violence be gets violence and to bestow violence upon them
will only spark further violence! Violence is not ever the answer on any side!
When I am hurt as a human being, I’m in pain right? I as a human being don’t like feeling pain!
So what do I do instead of sitting with my pain, I become angry and lash out at another or at society.
This is what we are seeing here in the London riots, collective pain.
Actually, this is an opportunity for all of us, (Society), to learn what is it we all need to do to make our world a better place to live in. If that is what we choose to do, everything in life is a choice!
I do feel it is important that these rioters take full responsibility for their behaviour, in so doing, it shows their maturity.
However, do you think they will be mature? Take responsibility for their actions? Probably not!
Look at the Global Financial Crisis right now & who are the people in our world who are suffering the most. The poor, those who have lost their jobs due to the economic turn down, those who are ill, as their health services are cut etc. When these rioters were born it was either at the beginning of the economic boom or when the boom was getting into its steady rhythm. Now look at the shape of the world! There is a big difference now between those who have and those who have not. I liken the boom period to that of the 1920’s and now to the beginning of the great depression in the USA of the 1930’s.
Now look at who created the Global Financial Crisis, look at all the bankers/ Governments/property developers/Elites of our world. Has anyone of those people come out and apologised for their behaviour and owned up to their part in the Financial Global mess we are in? NO, is the right answer! These people have NOT taken responsibility for their behaviour! Therefore, how can you expect the youth in the London riots to be responsible for their behaviour, when those we give power to, don’t take responsibility for their behaviour! Is it still one law for the Elite and other law for the poorer in our society? Yes!
Both the London rioters & the people who created this financial mess are equally guilty of criminal behaviour! Who are the people in both these situations who will be caught and brought to justice?
Only a lot of the rioters!
So you see, this is an opportunity for all of us to change the way we live. The opportunity here is that we all become mature world citizens, where we take full responsibility for our behaviour and actions. It is within each of us to rise to the challenge and become mature human beings, then and only then, will we find peace within and live in peace with each other!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I wrote this because it is time for me too to reflect & embrace my shadow self.
I do hope it touches your soul. It has mine.
I enjoyed the article David & I am NOT a football fan. I liked your analogy with what is happening in Ireland with emigration. You painted a picture for me & I saw the bigger picture. Always good in my book.
Maybe I am a simple human being, who isn't as informed in economics, politics or banking as I need to be?!? However, I have never read as much on these topics as I have in the past year.
Here is my take on the GFC.
I see financial & political people who have huge power & wealth. They are greedy for more of the same. They are responsible to no one, not even to themselves. They will walk on whoever it is, they perceive, gets in their way. In psychological terms, they are working from their shadow self & don't own it or even realise they are doing it! Mind you, I do think the more experienced of them, do know what they are doing! Having said that, every human being knows when they do wrong!
If I look back to the 1920's, I compare it to the 2000's. Anything look familiar here? Then I look at the 1930's financial crash & I see the 2006 financial crash. I ask myself, who benefits more if we have another depression? Except this time, it will be a worldwide depression. Truth be told, I believe that is exactly the place the world is in right now. Not a piddling recession.(And in a recession psychologically, this means to look in, recess). Now in psychological terms, a "Depression" means, to depress the self. The USA did just that in the '30's. Then what happened? We had World War 2!
Now I remember when I was a child asking myself, why did the people in the world at that time allow WW2 to happen? I was in fact shocked that the world went to war with itself! (The collective unconscious!) In 1993, I was again shocked when the former Yugoslavia, went to war with itself. Again, I was shocked that the world said little & did very little to stop this war. I saw the refugees from this torn country come into Ireland & it was my experience that they were solicitors / doctors & their families that came first. Not the poorer people in these countries, as they are now. I again asked myself why all of this was happening, my answer was & still is this, Because NOONE, NOT EVEN ME, stood up. I said nothing, I did nothing! Yet, my fellow human beings were murdered, raped, persecuted & maimed. I can give myself any excuse I want to give myself to justify why I did nothing. However, I did nothing because I was indifferent. Indifference is the opposite to love, where you feel nothing. In essence, you switch off your humanity. Just like those before me did, in the 1st & 2nd World Wars & still do in the wars we have in our world today.
I am braving it here on this forum to speak out now about what is happening today in the world I live in. Because not to do so, means I collude with the collective unconscious and therefore allow what is happening to continue happening. If I say & do nothing, I am in the same dark place, as the person who murdered, raped & pillaged, whether it be physically, economically, financially, spiritually, creatively, behaviourally & psychologically.
Unless I as a human being begin to see my shadow side & (all human beings have a shadow), & embrace & accept it as part of who I am. Then & only then, can I begin to change me. When collectively, every human being takes on this responsibility for themselves, will change come about in our world. It is my fundamental duty to do this as a citizen of Earth. It is also my responsibility to speak up, to take action for what is right, just, fair & moral. Now I am speaking up, because I want a better world for my children & I to live in. My response is my first action too. I will need to take more also. I also need to reflect more & own all of who I am in my humanness.
What are you going to do?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Taoiseach, Mr. Enda Kenny T.D., has asked me to refer to your recent
The Taoiseach has carefully noted the issues you have raised and he
appreciates you taking the time and trouble to share your views with him.
The Taoiseach has asked me to pass on his best wishes to you.
Assistant Private Secretary
to the Taoiseach
There isn't a lot to say to this............ Or is there!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Do you often or ever ask yourself, Why am I here on earth?
What is my function on Earth?
I have lived for 49 and a half years now on planet Earth. I love the beauty of it.
I live in one of the most beautiful places that I’ve seen on Earth. I live in West Cork, as often as I can. Mainly, the work I do takes me away from here, but I love to return to the freedom of space that is West Cork, it is food for my soul to see God’s beauty.
I grew up in a suburb of Cork City, it would have been a working class area, however, I never did like labels, so I didn’t take that label on board. I believe no matter who you are from beggar to president, we are all equal.
I enjoyed play as a child and the games I played on the road I grew up on. I loved dogs and still do. I found some of the teachers I had in primary school quite difficult, some were nasty to me, while others were so loving and kind, they were the one’s who made a positive difference to me, in my life. My home life was hard too, I experienced physical beatings, emotional and sexual abuse. I experienced annihilation and the fear of that I still remember. No child needs to experience any of these abuses. In later life, I learned when I am in pain, do no harm. I did at times harm my children by shouting at them!
When I was eight, my mother went out to work, I found this experience very very difficult. I was broken hearted. I say this because it profoundly affected me. As did the death of our dog Skippy. Actually, when I was six, a group of dogs were fighting near my Mum’s friends’ house, my siblings and I called this woman Dow Dow, her name was Mrs Dowling! Anyway to get back to the dogs, I really didn’t like that the dogs were fighting, so I got into the middle of them to stop them and one of them jumped up and bit my nose!! I was so shocked that a dog had bitten me, as I loved them so much. It took me until I was in my thirties to love dogs again! The dog I have now, as a pub, also bit my nose!!
When I was about fourteen I feel I had a breakdown, though, I think I am the only one who knew it and possibly our GP, at the time. I was sick a lot when I was a child. My outward response to the abuse was to become vocal, I needed to let out what was building up in me like the pressure inside a volcano before it erupted! I didn’t have the language to express what was really going on inside for me, I wasn’t in a place then to speak my truth about how much I was internally suffering.
Sometime around the age of 16, I think, I was walking over to mass one morning and at the time, I hated my father. Anyway, this voice came into my head and said, “As long as you hate him, you will destroy your self”. I knew instantly this was true. From that moment on, I began to pray for my Dad and I asked God to help me forgive him. In time, this indeed did work. I can honestly say that I love my Dad unconditionally. I mightn’t always agree or get on with him, but I do love him. I love my Mum and my children unconditionally too. Forgiveness is one of my best achievements in life, as is unconditional love.
You see neither of my parents started off married life with the intention of fu*king up. I didn’t intend to fu*k up either, but I did. However, because I forgave my parents fu*k-ups, I was later in life able to forgive me my fu*k-ups!
I learned a very valuable lesson then, one I have used many times in my life since. In my life experience, it is vital to my mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health to forgive. I say it this way, to forgive is a selfish act, for when I forgive those who have hurt me, it is shit, I don’t have to carry. Plus, forgiving enabled me to forgive myself later on in my life, when I needed to forgive myself for any wrong doings I did.
In the main, I was a good kid. In 6th class in primary school I had this teacher, a nun, called Sr. Ailbe whom I loved dearly and even though she is dead since 1998, I still love this woman. She taught me this, “Be you to others kind and true and always onto others do, as you’d have others do to you”, I’ve lived by that in my life. Plus, I think the 10 commandments are 10 good moral rules to live by. Not that I’ve kept all of them, I haven’t, but I strive too in the main. I also learned and to this day believe, what I do to another, I do to me. I look at life simply, there is a food chain, right? Then there is also a human chain, where we are all connected, because we come from the same one source. So, if I hurt or love another, I do the same to self. Think about it with your heart.
Another big event in my life was when my Mum fostered children, the first baby John, I adored. Then we had Paul, who was beautiful and Paddy and Christopher who weren’t well. When John went back to his parents we were all devastated, as we had him for nearly a year. I hope they are all happy in their lives now.
I started secondary school by going on the hop! Skipping school! I’d spend the morning in school with my left hand straight down and I’d hold it motionless, so it became black and blue and swollen. Then I’d go to the principle or our class teacher and say I was hit by a hurley while playing camogie during the morning break. Then a class pal and I would pretend to go to the hospital, but we’d end up in a pool hall in town or we’d go back to my house, as there would be no one there! I didn’t like school. I loved art and I had a great art teacher, called Michael Mortell, who was so kind to me. He passed away a number of years ago and I was sad when I heard the news. I also loved drama and I was involved in a number of school plays. I wasn’t academic, in fact, one teacher called me retarded! Actually this same teacher told our class one day to reach for the stars and while we may not get to the stars, we may reach the moon! I thought and still do think that this was good advice. On my academic abilities, for years I felt I had a good brain and in fairness some of my teachers said as much, but because of my life experience, my school work suffered and I didn’t have any confidence in my academic abilities for years and years. Eventually I went to college three times and I now have a very high 2/1 teaching degree! After my initial two years in Maynooth College, I realised that I was quite a good student. I studied the humanities for 5 years in total and I love human behaviour the most. My biggest achievement in school was organising a 50 hour disco marathon with my friend Fiona, we did it over a weekend and all of the senior classes took part in it, well those who were allowed by their parents, the year was 1979. We raised £600.00 at the time and Cork businesses sponsored our food for the weekend. It was during the organising of the disco marathon that I came in contact with a Cork pirate radio station and worked with them on a part-time basis for a year for nothing! No, no pay! Then due to my own lack of academic confidence and fear of the leaving cert, I left school 6months before my leaving cert exams! I did return to school at 21 and sat the leaving cert exam! Later on I worked voluntarily in hospital radio for 5 years. I loved being a radio presenter.
I started working and ended up having lots of different jobs! I suppose I need to say that while I dated guys, I was in fact, terrified of them, especially if they tried to be intimate with me! If they “dropped the hand”, which was the then expression for trying to feel your boobs, I broke up with them. In the main, I met decent guys. One guy, I met, I could have done without meeting. He was a French chef and he physically hit me twice one night, needless to say, I didn’t go back out with him thereafter! I met him about 10 years ago and he hadn’t aged well! I looked fabulous that night and I held my head high and enjoyed my own private gloat at his expense! Silly, I know, but I still smile at my own enjoyment of that night!
I met my future husband a few months after my 21st and I fell madly in love with him. We married when I was 23 and he was 26. We had two daughters together. We stayed married just shy of our 10th wedding anniversary. We separated in September 1994. All I knew at the time, was that I was pissing against the wind and I was the one getting wet! I also felt as though I was sinking in quick sand, which was a horrible place to be for me. It wasn’t until the 26th of February 1999 that he told me he is gay. It took me more than 8 years to get over grieving him and our marriage. Too long a time really. However, what was very important about him in my life is this, I felt sexually safe with him, yes when we met. In hindsight that was very important for me. I didn’t obviously know he was gay when I married him, but sexually he never threatened me. Ok, I later learned why. However, he allowed me to find my own sexual confidence. Neither of us realised it way back then but I will always be grateful to him for that and yes, I still love him and always will. Even though, in truth, it did become a very difficult relationship for both of us. Conflict became a major part of our relationship. This in turn affected our daughters, this I regret! But that was where I was then. I was miserable and found the break-up and aftermath horrific! I had not ever wanted to be a single parent and here I was, a single parent! Here’s a bit of irony for you, I was the only member of my sibling who wasn’t pregnant getting married and I am the only one now divorced. I smile at this now, it’s me taking the pee out of myself!!
In the summer of 1999, I took a career break from work and moved to West Cork from Co. Kildare where we lived. I had been working in Dublin. A lot of my years in Kildare were happy and it was there I achieved the setting up of a social housing project and did PR for a water group that was set up as a result of drinking water being contaminated by sewage! I felt these were personal achievements and helped me to be more confident within myself. By the time I moved to West Cork, my ex-husband and I had been separated for almost 5 years, in that time I didn’t date anyone! I felt too vulnerable. The following September I met and dated a guy who was also separated for a number of months. We split up and days later his wife phoned me!! They in fact weren’t separated! She was a lovely lady and I did feel quite bad. I had a boundary that married men were a no go area for me! This is still true for me today.
On Christmas eve of 1999, I met a guy in a local pub and played a few games of pool with him, he beat the socks off me! My children knew him as they frequented this harbour village with their Dad quite a bit. I am not a pub person, so I rarely went to pubs. The following February I met this guy again and within a week or two we were dating. I had assumed he was the same age as me, he was in fact, ten and ¾ years younger than me. I mentally found this challenging as I had always said I’d never date a younger man! I learned thereafter, that any never I had put into my life, I ate! Never say never is a good thing to live by! Do you know what I loved so much about this guy, was that even when we argued, I could look at him and say, My God, he is gorgeous. He was fun and funny and strong physically. He has such a big heart. I loved his arms, they were so strong. I also had for the first time in my life, “normal” sexual relations, he was the best lover I’ve ever had. He and I stayed together on and off for 7 and ½ years. He helped me to build my home during our time together. Some locals still think he built it for nothing, however, that is not true. He like all the other trades men who helped to build my home were paid the price they requested. It took me a long time, years in fact, to figure out why we broke up. I need space, my own space and he wasn’t in a place to trust me in that space. Also, I needed him to become more mature and while he did that in spades, it didn’t occur in the areas I needed it to be in. I will always love him too. I’ve learned that love is an energy and the energy of love does not die. Love is our greatest gift to self and to others, this I have learned too. It was one of the easier lessons I’ve had in life.
In 2004 my first daughter flew the nest after a holiday we had in Italy. I was so grief stricken I couldn’t communicate it to anyone, although I think my younger man, did recognise it, but at that time, neither of us was in a good place! And I know that my younger daughter cushioned her older sibling leaving home for me.
When my younger daughter left home in 2008, for a few months, I was thrilled with the freedom. Then reality hit me and then in November that year I hit the menopause. Luckily though, I had started college and while that did help, I found the first two years of not being a Mum quite difficult. My role as a mother was a great gift to me in life.
About nine months after I broke up with my younger man, I started dating again for about a month. Then a few weeks later, I started dating another man. For the bones of two years, I dated both men on and off! Since the break-up of my marriage I have been unable to go out with a man without breaking up with them at intervals!! Both these men have lovely hearts and in truth, I don’t know how they stuck my behaviour!! But they did and over six months ago, I finished with them both. To clarify here, when it was off with one, I went out with the other! Although, I do see one of them on a regular basis, my need is not to date again. I seem incapable of having a long term constant relationship. I’ve learned that my behaviour is about me. Though, in truth, I still don’t see the wisdom of my behaviour. I wish I did. I’m sure the men in my life would want this too. I was told that my behaviour in relationships is about my lack of commitment to self! Maybe?!?
I have been very lucky to have met the men I did meet. All are beautiful with their own unique gifts. I am blessed with my daughters, my parents, siblings, family and friends. I’ve learned that I learn more about me by being in relationship! Mostly though, I am blessed as at a very young age, I started developing my spiritual relationship with God. In all the trials and tribulations that I have met in my life, God has been the one constant. His strength and guidance to me is what has held me and helped me. I know I haven’t gotten everything right in my life, I do think though what is more important is that I in the main honour peoples dignity, I’m no saint, sometimes, I haven’t honoured people, however, I think I’ve always managed to go back to a person, if I feel I have offended them, to apologise. It’s the people I’ve hurt and don’t know I have, is challenging!
I have made many mistakes, I think the arguing with the girls Dad and the younger man, wasn’t helpful and has hurt the people I most love in this world. When my ex-husband and I did separate I said to myself, once the girls are ok, I’ll be ok. In hind sight, had I said, once I am ok, they girls will be ok, it would have been wiser. Reflection brings wisdom! Being responsible and accountable to and for my actions and behaviours are what brings me to maturity. I am not as mature as I’d like to be! Maybe one day, I’ll get there.
Over the last number of months I have renewed my interest in politics and the Irish Government, given the mistakes I feel they are making with their inhumane budget and bail out of banks. I truly believe what they’ve done to the Irish people is sinful and criminal. I can allow myself to become hot under the collar about it. However, I also know from my own life experience that our politicians, bankers and property developers are in a dark place and are coming from a place of immaturity. All of us has our own unique personal history and if we don’t reflect on our behaviour, then we stay stuck in a fearful child like place, albeit unconsciously! Realising we are stuck in an unconscious place is the first step towards becoming conscious or awakened. This process can take a long time to go through and safety is the one quality that is absolutely required so that any internal movement towards becoming consciousness can occur. This is why, forgiveness, love, kindness and compassion are needed so much now, in our world.
I have agreed to run in the next election with a new democratic party, should they get registered?!?
I have known for a few days now that I needed to write a new blog, I wait though until the time is right for me to do so, I kind of sense when the time is good to write. Before Christmas I ordered a book I was interested in reading. The night before last I started it and last night I read another few pages and then fell asleep. Around 2:44 a.m. I woke as I heard my youngest daughter calling Mum. When I opened my eyes I heard myself say 89. I had this ridiculous idea that she asked me how much the photos cost! My daughters live two to two and a half hours drive from me and none of them were here! The book is called “The Distant Shore” by Colm Keane. Basically it is about near death experiences. I text both of them in my sleepy haze and my eldest daughter replied that she was ok. My youngest daughter didn’t, so I phoned her twice, before she answered that she was alright. It was while phoning her I remembered the 89, she was born in 1989 and it was her voice I’d heard. I was a wee bit anxious phoning her and was naturally very pleased when I heard she was ok. So I read another few pages of the book and then turned off the light and went back to sleep. Again, I was woken up by my younger daughter calling Mum again! I was upset to be woken again as I was very tired, the time now was 4:45 a.m.! So I read some more in the hope I would doze off again! I read this passage where a daughter was experiencing her father’s death process while he was dying in hospital. Anyway she left his hospital bed around lunch time and when she started the car her radio came on. She heard an RTE news presenter take on somebody about bank accounts and corruption and the interviewee was fighting back. She states, “All I remember thinking was, None of this really matters. I felt, How small our everyday stuff is, It’s so small in comparison to death, which is the biggest moment in your life. This is the one timeless moment into which everything collapses. Compared to it, everything else is really nothing. I thought, There’s no need to get worked up over everyday stuff. It becomes so unimportant in the end”. I looked at the page number it was page 89! She goes on in page 91 to say this and I’ll quote it as I feel it is very important. “Finally, I got the sense of how important it is how you’ve acted and behaved in your life..........................................I’ve got to improve myself. I should be better than I am. That’s a thing I have tried to work on. You’ve really got to be as good as you can be so that you can face yourself. It’s how you live day to day, and the choices you make, are what matter”.
Seemingly, those folk who have had near death experiences say that you judge yourself when you meet God, who is neither male or female, but a loving, forgiving warm bright energy and interestingly to me, religion does not matter.
Now, to my final point in this blog. Forgiving others is really about learning to forgive yourself. Loving others is really about loving yourself. Whatever you do in kindness, love and compassion to others, you do to yourself. That is how you will judge yourself when you’re / my time comes to meet God. If you and I, haven’t learned to forgive and love others, how can you and I hope, in death to forgive and love self? It is that simple I believe. I believe that is what our human function is on earth to forgive and love, that is what I am here to do. I think I have done well. My death time will tell!
God I feel makes life simple, it is we humans who complicate it, so keep life simple. And don’t sweat the small stuff.
With love to you all,