When I write I get lost in a different world. Actually that world has its own natural buzz.
In 1999, I decided to take a career break from my good job in Dublin with the then EHB.
The previous number of years had been gruelling. A story I will tell in full, in my autobiography.
In September 1988, four years after my marriage, I discovered, I was pregnant for the second time. I knew I was pregnant while driving to Limerick, with my almost, two and half year old daughter Robyn. I was ovulating & I knew instantly, that I was pregnant with another daughter. Here was my logic, I had taken a “chance” four nights previously and for the second time in my life to that point, our loving making, was a very special. (When, in my experience you make another life it is also spiritually unique.) The first time this had happened was when Robyn was conceived. That was clue number one. I also decided that only the XY chromosome would be stronger to survive the long journey to my ovaries and was more robust than the XX chromosome, hence, the baby would be a girl. I was pleased about that, that the baby would be a girl. I had always felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. My reasons for saying this were, I was the second child and had an older brother who bullied me when we were children & into my teens. I hated being bullied by him. As the second male in our family, he was, in my opinion, spoilt! I being the eldest girl, tended to get a lot of the household chores, as my mother worked outside the home. I had always sworn that if I ever had a son, he would do as many jobs as any daughter I might have! That was the reason, I felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. In reality, I have no idea if that, would be the case, but it was how I had felt then!
I was driving to see my aunt, who had just given birth to her second child after sixteen years.
I stayed in Limerick for a week or so and had in the meantime phoned home & confided my instincts to my husband, he naturally did not believe me! As soon as I thought I’d be able to confirm my pregnancy, I got to a chemist and bought a pregnancy kit. When said hubby got home that night, the evidence was there and he could not deny the blue line with the plus!
In truth, I wasn’t happy about being pregnant, although, it was the least of my worries. You see I knew in my gut, that my marriage was doomed to fail. Even then and I had huge sadness about it. I so wanted and needed my marriage to work. Sadly, that wasn’t in my reality.
However, being protective of myself & my growing baby, I went into denial about this fact! In truth, I did have psychological “leak outs”, as we humans do, but then, I didn’t know that this is what they were called then. (In that, I knew in my core that my marriage would end, but for my own protection and my babies, I denied it, however, it kept coming back to my consciousness from time to time, hence, psychological leak out!) In and around three months, I started to bleed and was ordered to bed rest. I remember talking with my growing baby and I asked her to stay. The conversation went a little like this…..”I know I didn’t plan to have you, I wouldn’t have ever planned on having a second child, however, little baby, I love you and I want you to stay. What do you think? Would you like me as a Mummy?” All the while I would be gently massaging my tummy and speaking with my voice full of love for this child growing inside of me. She did decide to stay & Megan arrived into our world in August of 1989.
One month to the day later, hubby had a vasectomy. We had to use condoms for the next three months. I’m smiling here as I write this, because, at the time, I lived in Naas County Kildare and there was a chemist, I had the misfortune to ask, do you have condoms? I was given a glaring stare of mega disapproval and told frankly, “No, we don’t sell them”. I was mortified walking out of that shop. In those days condoms were not freely available and only became legalised in Ireland in 1994!
I vividly remember breast feeding Megan one day when she was nearly five months old and adoring her as I looked down at this beautiful child and thanking her for staying with me. I told her how thrilled and grateful I was that she had stayed. It was a very special moment.
Christmas week, hubby got a phone call from the Vasectomy Consultant’s office, to say that his seaman was clear of sperm and we could go ahead and have unprotected sex! What a Christmas present! In reality, it wasn't, not really!
The following year, near the end of September, we were all travelling to Birmingham for a huge gardening /Horticultural / hardware exhibition. We would stay with hubby’s brother & wife. I had weaned Megan off the boob at the end of July, one, because I followed her sister’s pattern of being allergic to feeding at eleven and a half months. And two, I had had enough! Sin é.
This meant I was free to go out while we were away and meet up with all the suppliers / customers I knew, as my sister-in-law had agreed to look after the girls. I was really looking forward to it. So before I left Ireland I went to my doctor to get a prescription for the pill, as I had had my first period after 20 months and it had lasted for three weeks and I wasn’t having any of that! For whatever reason, I forgot the prescription & seriously didn’t think of it for the first week I was in Birmingham.
That first week was full of dining out and meeting up with suppliers and customers and I wasn’t well! The nausea was awful and I had to really control my breathing in order to subdue it and I picked at my food. I even remember to this day saying to myself one night over dinner, “This feels like I am pregnant” and then I reprimanded myself by saying, “go on ya eejit Trich”! In the second week, the exhibition was over and one night, I got my period! Mad panic I can tell you, when I realised I didn’t have my prescription with me! However, my wonderful sister-in-law made an appointment for me with her GP. He asked me was the pill to prevent pregnancy and I categorically stated NO. Hubby had a vasectomy last year and this was purely to regulate my period! So he gave me the prescription and I duly got the pill and couldn’t believe the whole experience didn’t cost me a cent! We have never had a service in Ireland like the NHS, God bless them.
Two months later, I was giving my 3rd and final speech in Naas toastmasters, it was a Wednesday night. My evaluator gave me the worst evaluation ever! I was gutted, because it had taken so much courage for me to stand up and do this speech! All he spoke about during my evaluation was the other person’s speech and how good they were! I wasn’t confident enough then or even mature enough to realise that that was about him, rather than me. My speech had been good, not brilliant, but quite good, I thought. Anyway, I was devastated about it. The following day I moped around the house and cried my heart out. Little did I know, I was in fact, very hormonal! At exactly 5 P.M. I was in the loo having a miscarriage and for the first and only time in my hubby’s life with me, he walked in the front door, while I stood frozen to the spot with a three month old foetus!
I hadn’t even known I was pregnant! In Birmingham, I had totally dismissed my notion of pregnancy. I wasn’t listening to my own internal wisdom! This I can still do!
To cut a long story short, the previous August, before we had gone to the UK, hubby woke up one Saturday morning in testicular agony. He didn’t have “Blue Balls”, as we had made love the previous night! So he hurry’s off to the doctor with testicles gently in hand, to discover, he had a large swelling in the left one! He needed a scan, however, he never went for it, as he was too busy preparing for the exhibition in Birmingham. He was given antibiotics, however, the swelling, which had been there a while, had acted as a bridge between the two vast deference, that had been cut in surgery & hence, I conceived for the third & last time in my life. This swelling acted as a bridge & allowed sperm through, it was called “an act of God” and the chances of it happening are one in seven thousand! My sister laughed when I told her and said, “it could only happen to you Trich”, that was all the sympathy I got from her. I was devastated and in absolute shock and even more so, when I heard the Vasectomy Consultant said to hubby, “Now Mr O’ you must take into consideration that your wife may have had an affair!” I still get angry with the fecker for judging me like that. For the record, I didn’t have an affair. If Mr Consultant had only known the trauma I went through, he could not have ever said this, but he did and it was more trauma for me!
I have since studied psychology for five years, so I know a lot more now about who I am. I am still learning & learning about who I am isn't always easy, given I still don't always trust my own inner voice! I do love who God made me to be. I know, I am human in the best & worst aspects of human frailty! Life and my responses to it, whether I choose to be honesty or deceitful or positive or negative, IT IS MY CHOICE, I constantly choose my way of being in our world. I am deeply grateful to have all the choice I have.
Ben's presence in my life taught me to listen to my own natural wisdom. I write this today, because since, there have been many times, I still haven't listened. I write this as a reminder, to myself, of the importance of listening to my inner voice.
Ben, my son, died on the 28th November 1990.
This is your story Ben, I am grateful for what you taught me, even though, your presence in my life was short.
With much love always and forever xox
Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness ~ Shakti Gawain In my experience, this is true!
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This forms a chapter in my autobiography.