Me as I am...................

My bet is, tomorrow the weather in my world will be crap! Why? They have been spraying us heavily with chemtrails today! This breaks my heart! I am not a perfect human being, I smoke, and I drink wine, a part from that, I am a beautiful human being, who has always found it very difficult to “Fit into this world”. My huge paradox is, I am poisoning myself with all the chemicals in cigarettes, this I know. I smoke because when I was young, my life was extremely difficult and when the pain hit my throat, I felt it as way to over-whelming. I didn't have the life experience I now have to deal or cope with that pain. In my young days, in life in Ireland, NO ONE spoke about sexual, physical and emotional abuse, in fact then, those words were unheard of! They did not exist, therefore, my pain, did not exist, in Irish life’s reality, BUT, it did, in my reality! So I spent years and years doing all I could do, to understand, my pain, to heal my pain. It was like exploring in the dark, blind, to any light. In truth, it was a living fucking hell! I am rarely this graphic about my experiences in childhood! However, that is how my life was way back then! A living fucking hell! I shall never forget the torture of that pain. And when people say, “Forgive and Forget, to my mind, the “FORGET” part is bollocks, from that starting point! Now, it mostly does not intrude in my life. Thank God. 

How can I forget what formed me? I cannot forget, nor would I want to forget. It isn't that this is on my mind daily, it isn't  in truth. As time passed and I started to heal me, I would forget for a while and then as more time passed, I would heal more and then I would forget for longer periods each time! That’s when I knew, for sure, that what I was doing was healing me. It was one of the toughest journeys I've ever undertaken in my life. Doing your own inner work IS THE TOUGHEST  MOST PAINFUL WORK ANY HUMAN BEING CAN DO! Paradoxically, THE MOST REWARDING!

Forgiving, takes work. The way I learned to forgive goes like this…………….. If I do not forgive, it is shite I have to carry! No one else on this planet is aware, I feel as I do. Just me, I suffer this un-forgiveness! No one else! Just me! The person, I am un-forgiving towards is absolutely unaware that I have all this anger/angst/un-forgiveness towards them! Right? So the only body here that is suffering is me! Right? WHY? Why am I doing this to me? It beats Banagher………… (An Irish expression!). Trust me on this! When I was 15, I was walking over to Ballyphehane Church to go to Mass, early one morning. I cannot remember if it was during lent or on a Sunday morning, that is entirely irrelevant, in truth! But at the time, I hated one man, with a fucking passion. He was the person who had first abused me. Near to the Church, this voice came into my head, that said, and I quote……… “If you hate him, you will destroy your life”! To this day, I do not believe this was my voice. I was so young, as we all were in the mid 1970’s! The impact this voice had on me was immense. I knew with every fibre of my being that what the voice said to me, was absolute truth. (You see, my life to that moment had been filled with so many lies. And in my being, I knew this, yet this voice, spoke truth to me, how then, could I not listen to truth?).  This was truth and I knew it. Remember, you knew as a child/young teen when you were spoon fed lies! Actually, even in adulthood, we know it! Again, our choice is to acknowledge this or not! (Life is all about choice or Free Will….) From that moment on, I prayed fervently to forgive this man. In time, I did. I begged God to help me with this, he did and I will always be deeply grateful to God for this gift. For forgiveness is a gift to self, to no one else! Do NOT forget this! Later on, I realised, it was a harder task to forgive me. However, I used the same formula, I had to get to a place where I truly wanted and needed to forgive me and then, I prayed to God for the grace to forgive myself. Forgiveness is a huge gift to self. DO NOT FORGET THIS PLEASE! It is a life truism!

While I have healed almost all of these scares, the scares remain. Think of a physical scare, whether it be, sexual, physical, emotional, creative, behavioural, spiritual,  intellectual and psychologically! Oh don’t forget your attractiveness is a given! (These areas of self are called the nine expressions of self). Each scare you receive in any of these areas’ stay a scar. An open scar, if you choose not to heal any one of them! It is a natural law. Just look at any of your body scars! A scare remains on your body, psyche and soul, if we do not heal them for ourselves, they remain open, however, we can heal the scare. However, a scare remains, only as a pointer to where we have come from,  In my experience of life and I think, I have had a lot of life experiences in life, thus far, some more horrendous than others! Having said that, my life has been great in many other ways. For this, I am deeply grateful, to God, to life, to those who have assisted me in my journey and who have helped me to heal me and to my own courage to undertake this journey. You know, I once read someone, a prominent psychologist, whose name escapes me right now, say to a client, “Don’t come back, until your pain is really bad”. When I read this I was horrified. But you know what, it is a truism. No human being will ever do their own inner work, until their pain becomes so bad, that their only option is to look at it and deal with and heal their own pain! That my friends, is a life reality! IMHE.

Today a young man challenged me about why I get so upset about Chemtrails when I poison myself with all the chemicals in cigarettes. I took this on the chin, because he is absolutely right! This is challenging me recently, (long before he said this to me!), I see my own paradox! My reality is of my past fear returning to my throat! I'm not sure, I can deal with that all over again, silly you may say, and in some ways I agree with you, thus far though, I have not got past this irrational fear! And I know it to be irrational! Even more paradoxical, don’t you think? My bottom line here is, I know, I have more work to do in loving who I am. This is my imperfection. Yet, my uniqueness too. We are all the equal and opposite of what make us, individually us! This I truly believe. I am very aware, this is my issue, I need to deal with this, before my body’s wisdom, does it for me! That means, before I become ill. My body is already hinting this! As of now, I am mostly ignoring my body and in the depths of my being, it will be my Achilles heel, if I choose to do nothing about the fact that I have smoked cigarettes since I was 14 years old!

I don’t want or need to get ill! Seriously. I am mostly a very healthy Human Being/Person. Sometimes, I allow myself to get stressed out, to the point where I do not sleep! As has happened to me just now! What I am grateful for is that I now recognise my stress sooner now, than I used to! This is a gift to me and one I cherish hugely.

I think now, it doesn't matter what happens to me in life, what is most important is how I interpretate the happenings of the event/situations! I have learned, it doesn't matter what happens to me in life, what really matters is how I respond to the situation! No other person can hurt your soul, only you can do that! It is the inner most, deepest part of being a human being. So why do we hurt ourselves? Ain’t that the million dollar question for all Human Kind? The answer to this question is multi-dimensional, depending on how each of us interprets what has happened to us in this life, for good or bad! Suppose you look at life, in a clear class and see that nothing that you've experienced is bad! Wouldn't that be a blessing? Yes it would be a blessing! Well you can do this! All you need to do is change the old record in your head, and say, this is an opportunity for me to explore a different essence / part of me, rather than the old record, that says, Have I something invisible on my face that says, hit me! I know, I used to use the latter record! I changed this record, I've come to know, slowly, that all experiences are OPPORTUNITIES for me to grow as a unique individual. So why not, look at life this way?

For that's all it is, keep changing your own and world views. Yes, it was your story, but you can change your story any time you want and need to do so. Yes, the CHOICE is always yours! This takes self-responsibility. Not an easy task, I know, sure I am failing it, at the moment re giving up the cigarettes. And yet I become cross and broken hearted that others are poisoning us from the skies……. There is no congruence in this, in truth!

So is my memory of that horrendous childhood pain true now?

Ask yourself the same question!

I am!