I am not that often lately as compelled to write as I am now. I so badly need to explore and get out what is inside of me.
In the past year and a half I have dated two men, on and off. I fell madly in love with guy number 1, at the time; I was in a very stressed place. He was too, but he didn’t recognise it and at the time all I saw and felt was his indifference to me. I had previously been married to a man who was quite indifferent to me, and all I knew was, I couldn’t work with, cooperate with, nor collude with indifference. Our relationship ended fairly sharpish.
I then started a relationship with a guy number 2. He is fun and jokes a lot and he has shown me that I am quirky! This surprised me a lot!! However, I have learned to smile at me in my quirky moments. Man he is some kisser and I love his kisses. My facial muscles know he isn’t around any more! I’m smiling.
To cut this long story short, I have dated both these guys on and off for a year, guy number 2 for over a year and a half. He has been one of my greatest teachers, our life teachers tend to bring up, for me at least, painful history. I reacted to our conflict by allowing myself to react to conflict issues that are unresolved for me. I still don’t know if I have resolved them for myself. But this button brings up quite a lot of pain for me. In my growing up, both my parents were needy and I acted in the “adult and parent” mode with them. In my marriage, I did like wise. It was what I knew. I had dated and lived with a guy on and off for seven and a half years who was very similar to guy number 2. It took me over 5 or 6 years to understand my modus operandi within couple conflict. If a body demands more from me, than I am prepared to give and we go into conflict about it, I shut down and go away. I do literally get up and remove myself, if not in the moment, I do it the very next day. Now I come back a day or two later. However, the conflict always continued. (Here is my own insecurity; I do give a lot of who I am in relationships). I realise that this is my button and I own this. But it took me years to finally realise that my behaviour was and is wise and that it had a deeper gift to offer me, than I had previously realised. I had not knitted the pieces together until late last year. I didn’t understand that I was “comfortable” with this conflict, as it was the same conflict I had had in my childhood and with my family of origin. I also realised that I actually need space within all the relationships I have. Guy number 2 and the guy I had lived with for several years were not in a place to give me the space I so needed within our relationship. Both, I feel, have similar attachments styles. This caused me huge pain on many fronts. I suppose I learned that I needed to honour and hear my need within a relationship for space. I like separateness. I need it. Within this need I need the man I am in relationship to trust me that no matter where I go or what I do, I need them to trust me. Now this is where it gets very painful for me.
When I was 18 years old, my father told my sister that I was whoring around with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Apologies in advance to any one called any of those names. If only he had known, I was too scared shitless to be intimate with any man back then. I think this cut to my core and I allowed it to be a huge pain for me in my life.
Hence the reason I need a man in my life to let me go and to know intrinsically I am worthy of their trust. Within this, I also realised that I didn’t trust any man to love me for who I am. And within that, I realised that I needed to trust me and in some ways, I discovered I didn’t trust me to love me either! I became sad about this. Mainly because I do like who I am and I know I am different and loving and lovable, I always have been. I am uniquely me. I am the most honest person I know. Even though I can and do have moments where that challenges me greatly, but I will always come out and tell my truth.
Now truth is not an easy place to stand in, especially my own truth. My own truth can best be summed up in “The Invitation”, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer and one of the lines in it goes as follows;
“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself”
This is where I feel I am right now. You see both these men want to date me again. In truth my need is not to date either of them, although I acknowledge that both these men have wonderful gifts and qualities. But neither man, I feel is for me. Both have requested recently that I date them again. I feel this as a huge pressure. Probably because I would love nothing more than to be in a relation. A relationship that would last the rest of my life, this is my hearts desire. This is the dream I have dreamt for a long long time and again it is sumed in “The Invitation” …….
“It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.”
“ I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.”
I want more than anything to meet my hearts longing. My heart aches with this pain silently, it is only visable to me. I met a man recently that I fancy. So!, you may say………………It is rare for me to fancy any man! (I sometimes wish I were not so!, However, this is my reality).
This is what I look for, an honest man, who is spiritual and loves God, someone I am attracted too. A great kisser and hugger. Has hair! I love hair. Oh and he needs to be doing his own inner journey. Well on the road towards who God made him to be.
I realised when I met this man that he is quite like me in some ways. I have no idea if that is a good thing or not. All I know is that I am attracted to him, actually within minutes of meeting him, I fell in love with him. However, I discovered when I asked him out that he is in a relationship. So, how I feel may be real to me, but it has no basis in reality. I know this and I keep grounding myself in reality. However, my heart keeps saying something quite different! Which I am finding incredibly frustrating.
This is my dilemma ……………………………………………………………………
Standing in my truth.
I know I can not date guy 1 or 2 again. I need to get over the man I fell in love with.
I want it all. I want to be in love and love and be loved unconditionally. I want to share God with who ever this man may be. I want depth in our intimacy. I want our love made visible to the world, gently.
My question? Am I asking for too much? Am I dreaming an impossible dream?
I still dream my dream………………………………………………………