Love, laugh and live: December 2011

I don’t remember ever been the scorned woman, until recently, that is! I did not react well. But the b*st*rd deserved it. After dating for 3 years, albeit on & off, he went off with a woman & didn’t turn up to my birthday party last summer. He lied about this constantly. Over a month later, I found the naked photos of her & emails from her to him & his to her etc. on his computer. I was shocked, but not surprised. He tried to lie again about it, until I gave him a verbatim on the text & photo’s. I exit with my dignity intact, who needs a blood sucker & a liar like this! I didn’t.

Roll on four months, I meet him and as he hugs me in my car, he opens my bra too! I was not impressed. It reminds me, he has no boundaries, so after a number of expletives, I calm down. He went his way & I went mine, an hour later, I receive a text to say he left his Bluetooth in my car! How & where? I’m briefly confused, and then realise, this is his way, and he reminds me of the plant that catch’s flies. Later we meet & the last thing he says is, “We could fix this you know, if we worked hard at it”. I drive away.

Three days later, I am in his home. We have dinner & drinks, I cried a lot about the shitty ending we had and the hurt I felt. It really is the most I have cried since August! I ask him if he sees her, “About once a month”, he says, “But I don’t want a relationship with her & she doesn’t want one with me”. So I say, “You’re not dating then”? “No”, he says. So I go to the guest room & he follows, his love making is so familiar. The next morning we are intimate again & he goes to work. He comes home and we eat, but he isn’t sparking. He says, she says, “If you make love with her, I will be hurt”, so he says to me, “Think I’ll stick with plan A”. I didn’t need to ask what plan A is, he was going to lie to her and or, already had.

I had a meeting, so I went to do that. When it was over, a half an hour later, he went to his bed. Soon afterwards, I crept in silently to get my slippers. Creeping back out of his room, he sits up & starts chatting. “I thought you were asleep”, I say. “No”, he says. I then asked what he meant by the last thing he said last Sunday, he says, I didn’t mean anything by it”. So I ask him, "Why say it then?” and he just shrugs. I walk out of the room & go downstairs to make a phone call. Then I go to the office & spend time there and as it is time for bed, I head off to the main bathroom to take my make up off & brush my teeth, as you do. When I am almost finished, he comes in to the main bathroom, ignoring his en suite & uses the lavatory. After he washes his hands, he takes my hand and brings me to his bedroom. We make love again. But the smell of sex from his sheets is vile. Afterwards, he says, “She wanted to know why you were rooting today.” “I don’t root; I took paper from the top of your filing cabinet & put it on the floor & found the watch that you had lost over 8 months ago”, I say. “Plus, if I wasn’t dating you, that is not a question I would ask, as it has ownership”? He shrugs again. I get up & go to the guest room & sleep. He is gone by the time; I am awake the next morning. I turn on my computer & there is an email from him, thanking me for our “Grand Finale”! “Fuck you”, says I!
It is Friday, so I do my Twitter Friday Follow, shower, dress, pack, check his house at least 10 times, that there is nothing of me left, then I pack the car. Go back to the office & write an #FF especially for him which went, A very special 3 #FF to @....... Then I pack up my lap top & leave. I smile driving away, as I know he won’t see what is coming…………I like to be subtle when I metaphorically hit you with a ton of bricks! Though it is something I have rarely done in my life.

I arrived home & turn on my computer, to find a thank you from him for my #FF. I reply, “@....... It was my pleasure #Sincerely 3. Then he texted me, “Please stop with the tweets especially the 3, bound to ask what’s that about? You trying to shaft me?" I replied, “Oh Yes …… it’s what U fu*king deserve! Payback you low life! I am taking huge pleasure in this”. He says via text, “You ok?”, I reply “I am wonderful, thank U 4 Ur concern. I hope U get what Ur due, Sincerely” Then I put this tweet out on Twitter, “ @....... It is what it is xxx as it was 3 times ;) …… just so as you know. He then sent this text, “Any trust I ever had, any faith I ever had, any admiration I ever had, in you died today”. (I did notice he didn’t write any love!) & I replied, “You’re about 6 months behind me!”. To which he replied, “Don’t ever contact me or my family again!” My last reply to him was, “Fu*k Off, You Fraud”. I felt good inside that I had gotten my own back on the fecker and he hadn't thought me capable of it! And I felt, at least she’d know he’d charm the skin off a snake & lie all the while he was doing so.

The next morning around eleven o clock I deleted the posts, as I felt it wasn’t fair to leave them up. I knew my behaviour was not honourable. I had walked away in August, in December, I could not collude with his lies. He had lied to me for 3 years, he even went so far as to accused me, for the last year & a half, that I was flirting on direct messages on Twitter. I never did in the 3 years we were together. What really peed me off was I know this stuff! I know that everything I say, do, feel & think is 100% about me and therefore that is true for every other human being. And when I tried to discuss this with him, he’d brush it off & change the subject. It was so bad at times, that the only way I was anyway sure I was getting the truth was to ask him for scouts honour, then I had some idea that some of what he said was true! Why did he lie so much? I honestly do not know, but what I do know is that he subtly blamed his ex for the break- up of his marriage. I no longer believe that! He likes to see himself as a victim, victims do not ever take responsibility for their behaviour or their actions! Yes, I know on a professional level that this is a defence. Today, I am not being professional! I could also go places here with you, about why I had put up with this for so long, suffice to know, I know why I did!

The next horrible thing to happen in December was this. My 86 year old aunt, was on her way to see her dying eldest son & while changing buses she slipped & fell, breaking a bone in her shoulder. Now this lady is difficult! None of her children have anything to do with her. Her son died before she got to see him, which I found very sad. On the day of his funeral, she says she has to get a taxi to the hospital as she is in agony. This is the first time she has done anything about her broken bone. My Dad gets a taxi organised to bring her back, as she doesn’t want to wait for me to collect her. My job in the meantime is to find her a nursing home, as I am her next of kin. Eventually the social worker finds one, I cannot! She stays in the nursing home, which she states she hates, for 4 weeks, but I need her to stay another 5 days, as then I can get her, with the help of her GP into the county hospital in the town where she lives. Those four weeks, were very difficult, trust me when I say this, because in truth, she does not want to stay there. The reality was, she was incapable of looking after herself! I gave her the option of complaining to the statuary body who govern nursing homes, if she could give me dates, names & times, she declined! She became very aggressive with me, to the point of shouting at me, which is behaviour, I will not accept. If someone shouts at me, I am not ever in a place to hear them! Anyway, two days before she said she would leave the nursing home, I had two meetings with her local public health nurse & about 4 phones calls with her GP, who all advised that she stay in the nursing home for another 5 days. That particular day, I happened to be working in the town she lives in and I went up to her house to put on the heating, in case her pipes would burst and I collected fresh clothes & her post for her. I also emptied her bin & fridge of food that was out of date and rotting! That evening after work, I went to see her & stood behind her in the nursing home while she was on the phone to a friend of hers. I was so taken aback by what I heard her say………….. She said “Patricia was in my house all day today & I don’t know why. She also wants me to stay here & I don’t know what her ulterior motive is”. I was shocked, as I had had to do my own days’ work as well as all the work I had put in for her & I had only been in her house for a half to ¾’s of an hour, plus the only motive I had, was that she was safe, as she was not in a place to look after herself. So………… I faced her and said to her, “Don’t ever lie about me again”, at which point she said goodbye to her pal on the phone. I said, it was me & nothing and now it is nothing, as I am washing my hands of you. The reality is, you are falling a lot, to which she replied, “Oh now you are telling me I am not corpus mentis” and I replied, “No, that is not what I am saying, however, you do forget you fall, but if you want to go home, then do, but I am washing my hands of you. At that point, I had had my fill of people who lie to me or about me. I spoke with the nurse while crying & left. This, trust me, is the short version of this story. I am no longer my aunt’s next of kin, nor do I have any desire to be either. Plus I was exhausted.

This is a new road I am taking btw. Prior to this, I would have forgiven the person who either lied to me or about me. I’m not making myself out to be a goody two shoes here, this truly was my reality. However, after my experience of your man the blood sucker and then my aunt, I sincerely had enough shite. I realise it isn't about forgiving them, this is about healing me.

To top this, my daughter was moving house, so I went up that very same week, to clean her house before she moved. Now when I say I clean, I seriously clean. (I reckon in a previous life, if there is such a thing, I was a char lady!) My sister joined me a few hours later & even though I was fatigued to my bones, I still cleaned. I was beyond exhaustion by the time my daughter & eventually her partner came home. My daughter’s partner is so passive aggressive & rude to me, it is mind boggling. In fact, my daughter’s partner is a bully. I then decided that night, that I just did not need to be in their company again. However, (And again, this is the short version), after thinking and discussing it with a pal of mine, I decided that if I did that, then I would be colluding with their bullying behaviour & that I will not do. So, while I will be in their company, I will have huge boundaries around myself & if my daughter’s partner tries to bully me again, I will name it! I cannot give in to this bullying behaviour, if I do, I collude with it and I will not collude! Also, I am important enough to me, not to allow this bully, bully me!

I wrote this blog in the hope that I would see what it is I need to learn here, because I do have a huge learning in all of this. All my life, I have acted & behaved in a most loving and forgiving manner. (Now I am getting emotional), I think I have always hoped that the people I love, would respond in kind to my loving forgiving kindness. In truth, they don’t! I was 50 this year and what I have learnt is this………… People who are indifferent to their own souls, DO NOT respond in kind to, loving & forgiving behaviour. Their need is to crush and to suck every ounce of giving you have in you & they do not give back. This has been my life experience, but it has taken me until now to see it!

Before Christmas I was so angry at the world, these people & God, but I sat with it. On Christmas eve eve, I had a very long conversation with my sister and she saw I was on the brink of cynicism, it is a place I do not want to go to. If I did, I knew, I would lose my essence. I do not want to lose how beautiful I am. So I teetered on the edge. Then on Christmas eve, I woke early at 6 a.m. with a sore throat & I sat with all of this, I knew I was still very angry and that I felt huge loss and grief for the wrong that I felt was done to me. My sore throat indicated to me that I was not speaking my truth. On Christmas eve, I had a huge need to go to confession. I did go & I told the priest about my behaviour with my ex boy-friend. I had behaved badly. Christmas day & Stephens day were lovely & that night, I drove home & woke the next day vomiting & I ached from head to toe. Yesterday, I went to the doctor, as I have a chest infection, which equals loss & grief. I spent a good deal of yesterday screaming out loud, on my own, here at home. I know it sounds mad, but it isn’t, my truth is it's a healthy thing to do. I am not hurting anyone, not even myself, but I am getting my anger & frustration out in a safe way for me. Try it sometime, even when you are driving alone, in my experience it works. My cough is not as bad today!

What I have realised in writing this, is this…………… I have stood up for myself, albeit, awkwardly! I am not used to taking such a significant stand with anyone, ever. In a three week period, I had three people I needed to stand up to and to own my own truth. Physically this has taken its toll on my body. However, the body, I believe is never wrong, it mirrors for us what is going on for us on the inside & our behaviour shows this on the outside & it shows in our health or the lack thereof. My lesson is to take positive action for me and mostly, love me, because I am so worth loving! Plus I now know when I see a blood sucker, they are not for me! They won’t even get one chance. Also, I had created an illusion & judged this man & my aunt on my own values & standards, when in truth, that simply was not true for them. Also, I can only rescue me!

This has been and is painful for me. However, if it wasn’t painful, I would not listen & nor would I have taken heed and the time to learn what I needed to learn from these experiences, because what arises in me, is about me. Sometimes, life throws me tough lessons, these I experienced as tough.

"Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need, to love you, to hate you, to make you, to break you & to make you the person you were meant to be......"

When Trich first asked me to post, I was somewhat reluctant. Not because I didn't want to write the post for her (I think she's marvelous), but because I've been undergoing a painful "tradition transition" for the last couple of years.

When I say "tradition transition", I'm referring to the change in holiday rituals I've grown up with here, in the southeastern United States. I was raised in Georgia by my amazing grandmother, and for as long as I can remember, Thanksgiving and Christmas had her at the center of it.

She was the family matriarch, and I respected that. Maybe I even loved her all the more for it, because she was the enduring link that held our family together. For years, in spite of incredible dysfunction, we were a family (mostly) united. We came together in love and fellowship and an appreciation of amazing food, because my grandmother was the best cook EVER.

But as much as I miss her cooking, I miss her so much more. Cancer took her in March of 2010, and when she died, so did those specific traditions. My family had already been slowly separating over the years--it's just the way life works sometimes--and her death was the final stroke that destroyed our ties.

I was devastated and didn't see past my own grief for awhile. For me, Thanksgiving and other holidays became dreaded events, and I felt lost. Last year, I spent Thanksgiving with my best friend's family and my dad (former stepdad, on paper, but the man who's been dad for my whole life). I felt disconnected and out of place. I thought, This just isn't the same as granny's house, and it will never be so again.

I made myself miserable, and I was the life of the pity party, and nothing (at that time) could relieve me of it. I was heartbroken, really, but you know what they say about that. A heart might be broken but it keeps beating, and with time comes healing.

This year, I had a "come-to-Jesus" talk with myself and knew I was going to make things different, and with God's help, make them better. See, I've got this precious little girl named Ivy, and she's counting on me and looking to me to teach her traditions. I'm her mother, it's my job to make her childhood as memorable as possible, and It's time for me to step into the role to do what's right.

I did spend Thanksgiving with my dad again, but this time it wasn't with a heavy heart. I also realized something; my traditions haven't changed--only the people have. We all still said the "blessin'' (Yep, that's southern-speak for the pre-dinner prayer) before we lined up to serve ourselves in a buffet style fashion. We were all together to be thankful for the many things God has granted in a spirit of love and caring.

The foods were the ones I've always had at Thanksgiving--turkey, smoked ham, cornbread dressing, sweet potato souffle, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, potato salad and much more. Oh, and i can't forget to mention the sweet iced tea--I wouldn't be a proper southerner if I'd left that out.

It was a beautiful day, and we had a wonderful time. Next year I plan to cook at home for my little girl and husband and whoever else might be staying on at the time (I've always opened my home to people in need, so I usually have someone extra). Then I'll go to my dad's again, because I think he and his wife have started to come to expect it.

New traditions are being formed, and that's how it will always be for everyone, I'd imagine. Something old will be replaced by something new, people will come and go, and different new memories will be made throughout our lifetimes.

How we choose to accept it will determine how receptive we are to God's many blessings, and I'm choosing to roll with the changes. For myself, for my daughter, and for everyone who is still amongst the living that still needs my love. I love my grandmother, and I miss her like crazy, but I'm still living for a reason, and I suspect I'd better make the most of it.

Trich, thank you so much for asking me to post, and I apologize it wasn't a bit sooner. Many blessings to you and to all of your readers.

--Amberr Meadows

A wee while back Amberr kindly asked me to do to a guest blog on her blog! Sincerely, I was chuffed, as I had not being asked to do one before! This concept was in fact very new to me. She asked me to do a blog on where I live & I love where I live. Afterwards, I got to thinking, wouldn't it be lovely to ask Amberr to do a guest blog for my blog. I was genuinely excited about it, as I had requested she do a blog on Thanksgiving, as I had not ever experienced a real life Thanksgiving! However, I had been invited to my very first Thanksgiving on the 27th November 2011, by an American friend & her family, who now live in West Cork. This turned out to be a memorial day for me, because I got to meet her family & friends, who were as delicious as the food I ate that day.
Then Amberr sent me what you've read above. I loved the real human painful learning in what Amberr has written. This is life, this is also LOVE!

Go raibh mile maith agat Amberr, my sincere gratitude to you, with much love.

This is the link to Amberr's travel blog and more..........

http://amberrisme.com/2011/11/22/tuesday-travels-schull-west-cork-ireland/#comments

Love, laugh and live

Friday, December 30, 2011

A Painful December 2011

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Email to Enda ..... Please wake up to the reality of what is happening Enda

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Living Thanksgiving..........A guest blog from Amberr Meadows

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