The Paradoxical Dance of Life

Life is tough, I experience it as tough, at times. My over-whelming feeling of my experience of life is sadness. Yet, thank God, I am not a sad lady, I am grateful for this.

Life too is a paradox. I have many real and happy moments where I connect with other souls, who respond in kind to my humanness. There is NO greater buzz, real encounter then when another being of this life is being as real with me, as I with them. I really believe, no drug on this planet equates with this reality. My soul soars in these moments. And the happiness I receive has no monetary value; it is far beyond what the reality of life is. Least what I was taught when I was growing as a young child, adult-lesson............

My real learning began when I was at the near end of my twenties. Even though I could say and do say, I started learning about my inner self at 18 years of age. It was at that age I stated reading psychology. I had an enormous need to understand Human Behaviour. Only because, I had suffered so much under other’s behaviour towards me! 

I can say now, with the benefit of hind sight that my need was to understand who I am? What was I here to do? In the core of my being, I knew I had a job to do in this world; truthfully, I hadn’t a clue as to what that was! However, my deepest need was to explore both. 

I was very lucky in my young life to believe in God and to have a huge believe that the spiritual aspect of self was THE most important part of who I am. You have no idea, how much this belief saved me and protected me in my life to date. I shall probably not ever be able to explain this in words, it was an inherent feeling and one I have always trusted. And trust me, I haven’t trusted much in my life! Sometimes and maybe more than I care to acknowledge, I have not always trusted my core being. When I haven’t, I got myself into trouble! When I have, while it has been a VERY hard path to go down, it has always being, THE best path for me. Now at 51 years of age, I can still say it hurts and saddens me, however, IT HAS PROVEN TO BE THE ONLY WAY TO GO, FOR ME.

M. Scott Peck wrote a book called, The Road Less Travelled, which I read in 1989. The reason I remember the year, is because it was the year, my youngest daughter was born. It was also just prior to this, that I had realised my marriage was not a safe or an honouring place for me to be in. In many ways, this book was my catalyst. At the time though, I wasn’t as aware. You know, 20 20 vision........................................ Hind sight is a great gift, albeit a slow gift!   

Now travel forward 23 years............. time does pass very quickly, almost unbeknownst to me! 

In the interim years, my marriage broke up, I met a guy five years later, who lied through his teeth, he said he was single, in truth, he wasn’t! ( I so dislike lies, lies always hurt, more than truth!). Then I met who I call the love of my life. Why? Because even in an argument, I could see him as so beautiful, trust me, this was a rare gift to me. However, he was jealous and possessive and my inherent need is to be always free, to be who I am. So, our relationship ended. He is married to another now and I wish them both, much love and happiness. I am confident; he has found what he needed. 

Thereafter, I met two men........... the first guy, I loved. But because of our childhood wounds, we became suspicious of each other and the relationship failed. It was and is, what it is, however, to date, we are still good friends. I am grateful for this. The other guy, I dated on and off for 3 years and because of his childhood wounds, he found it difficult to be with me and lied and eventually, I discovered, as you do, that he was NOT the man for me. So I said goodbye to him, eventually.................... 

That was last August twelve months ago and then in December 2011 we met again, I foolishly believed him, only to discover days later that he was still being untruthful................ We parted on bad terms, but, so be it. I took it on the chin, however, for THE first time in my life, I decided, I would NOT collude with another’s bad behaviour! I know I hurt him and the women, he denied he was with.............. BUT, my reasoning was ............ FUCK HIM, if he thought, I’d walk away A SECOND TIME timidly.......Hello, NO! 

Believe it or not, but it is true, I needed to go to confession about this!

WHY?

Because I knew in the bones of my being, I had hurt this other lady......... I took this to heart. 

OK ............ almost twelve months later...............I meet this man, via email, in circumstances, I could not have ever predicted............ Seriously.........!

We decide to meet for coffee........ at this time, I have given up coffee LOL!

Then I become aware that he lives two and a half hours from where I live and think........ he cannot travel that distance to where I live, for a cup of coffee! To be fair. So, I invite him to dinner at one O’ clock. 

I welcomed him to my home, as I would any another being. We ate dinner; it was very relaxed and warm. Sometime after dinner, intimacy creped in slowly, while watching my video of Dancing Differently. I felt it and I knew he did too. I felt he wanted to touch me, but he didn’t, not then. 

A while later, I was sitting on my kitchen island, he moved in between my legs.......... it was then, I knew, chemistry existed between us both. Gently this dawned. We kissed, gently, and the knowing grew, for me. For the first time, in a very long time, I knew, I was attracted to this man, there was chemistry between us and in the longest of times, I was sexuality excited with his presence to me..........................This was blowing my mind, not to mind my body! (And my core belief is, The Body does NOT lie!)

As fate would have it, a wee while later, reality dawned, as friend called, in the nick of time! Putting a FULL STOP to our meeting! He left.

I was later grateful to faith, later................. BUT, not then!

A few days later we arranged to meet again, in my home. In the days between, I realised that I was for the first time in a very long time, attracted to this man; it is rare that I am attracted to a man! Plus, there was a deep chemistry for me to him. Above all, I loved the way he kissed. A kiss tells me much and his had! The expectation of bliss lingered................ in my being.

To be dashed in utter disappointment, when he told he had another, friend, with benefits............... My heart sank with utter disappointment and later, I cried. Crying like being attracted to a man, are very rare commodities for me! 

Then I asked, days later, if he wanted a relationship? He phoned to say, NO, he did not want.

I heard him loud and clear............. I sank into disappointment again.

However, my truth being, I wanted and needed a relationship, after all, relationships are the stuff of life and living........... So yet again, in my life, I had to accept, his truth. My truth, being very different to his..............

Yet again, with sadness, I accepted reality.

His need, was not my need.

No blame.

It is time again, to move on!

But this time, knowing, I am honouring me.

Now, this is more important to me and to who I am.

I think, I have moved on.........although, I still feel its sting.

Still, my need is to honour who I am made to be ;)

So I bid him adieu, as my need is always now, to honour me.

Amen.