Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Michelle Maloney King........ Her blog link
http://teachermoloneyking.com/2011/07/thinking-outside-box.html
Friday, November 25, 2011
Scary, I think.........
Vodka tampons to get drunk?
Robert Glatter, MD, Emergency Medicine, 10:19PM Nov 13, 2011
If you haven't already seen this in your ED, some female teenagers have a new and dangerous way that they are experimenting with alcohol--soaking tampons in vodka. Rectal use has also been reported with males and females as well.
Apparently, some teenagers believe that it is a more rapid, lasting and intense way to get drunk. Law enforcement as well as EDs throughout the country are seeing this in increasing numbers over the past year apparently, according to a recent news story out of Phoenix.
From a physiological standpoint, ethanol gets absorbed directly and rapidly from the vagina since its a highly vascular structure, and without any barriers, leading to higher serum levels of ethanol more rapidly.
Beer bongs have also been utilized rectally in the same concept as a vodka soaked tampon- leading to the same rapid effect of alcohol intoxication.
Teens apparently have turned to this method because they believe that they can hide the smell of alcohol from their parents as well as the police. They have also figured out that this method can avoid the nausea and vomiting and other obvious signs of ethanol intoxication- the only issue is that they often pass out before realizing that they have had too much to drink. (incidentally, it has been reported that a super tampon can hold about a shot of vodka, which is quite potent when it's absorbed directly into the bloodstream)
It is important to emphasize to teens that they will not pass a breathalyzer test because they didn't drink the booze-- the assay obviously checks for checks for a systemic alcohol level-not what is expired in their breath.
ER personnel need to be aware that patients who present to an ED with a depressed level of consciousness, without the smell of alcohol and clinical suspicion for ongoing intoxication need to have a rectal and vaginal exam to exclude tampons or other foreign bodies as a source of ongoing chemical intoxication. This could obviously lead to a delay in care (and diagnosis), as well as a source of ongoing intoxication, if this is missed on physical exam.
Robert Glatter, MD
I received this from a friend of mine who is a paramedic! I am so grateful I do not have teenage daughters, anymore! I really feel this is important, hence, I am blogging it. Awareness is always a key to understanding.
Robert Glatter, MD, Emergency Medicine, 10:19PM Nov 13, 2011
If you haven't already seen this in your ED, some female teenagers have a new and dangerous way that they are experimenting with alcohol--soaking tampons in vodka. Rectal use has also been reported with males and females as well.
Apparently, some teenagers believe that it is a more rapid, lasting and intense way to get drunk. Law enforcement as well as EDs throughout the country are seeing this in increasing numbers over the past year apparently, according to a recent news story out of Phoenix.
From a physiological standpoint, ethanol gets absorbed directly and rapidly from the vagina since its a highly vascular structure, and without any barriers, leading to higher serum levels of ethanol more rapidly.
Beer bongs have also been utilized rectally in the same concept as a vodka soaked tampon- leading to the same rapid effect of alcohol intoxication.
Teens apparently have turned to this method because they believe that they can hide the smell of alcohol from their parents as well as the police. They have also figured out that this method can avoid the nausea and vomiting and other obvious signs of ethanol intoxication- the only issue is that they often pass out before realizing that they have had too much to drink. (incidentally, it has been reported that a super tampon can hold about a shot of vodka, which is quite potent when it's absorbed directly into the bloodstream)
It is important to emphasize to teens that they will not pass a breathalyzer test because they didn't drink the booze-- the assay obviously checks for checks for a systemic alcohol level-not what is expired in their breath.
ER personnel need to be aware that patients who present to an ED with a depressed level of consciousness, without the smell of alcohol and clinical suspicion for ongoing intoxication need to have a rectal and vaginal exam to exclude tampons or other foreign bodies as a source of ongoing chemical intoxication. This could obviously lead to a delay in care (and diagnosis), as well as a source of ongoing intoxication, if this is missed on physical exam.
Robert Glatter, MD
I received this from a friend of mine who is a paramedic! I am so grateful I do not have teenage daughters, anymore! I really feel this is important, hence, I am blogging it. Awareness is always a key to understanding.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Where I live.......
I wrote this guest blog for an American lady called Amberr Meadows, who has a wonderful blog & is worth following. Plus I like her upbeat energy & who she is as an individual. I have asked her to do a guest blog for me on her Thanksgiving experiences & she has kindly agreed, so watch out for it.
This is the link to my guest blog on Amberr's blog........
http://amberrisme.com/2011/11/22/tuesday-travels-schull-west-cork-ireland/#comment-2042
By the way, this Sunday I will experience, for the very first time in my life, a Thanksgiving dinner & I am very excited about it! \o/ I'll let you know how it goes :)
This is the link to my guest blog on Amberr's blog........
http://amberrisme.com/2011/11/22/tuesday-travels-schull-west-cork-ireland/#comment-2042
By the way, this Sunday I will experience, for the very first time in my life, a Thanksgiving dinner & I am very excited about it! \o/ I'll let you know how it goes :)
Monday, October 24, 2011
Happiness and Fun!
Not only have I wanted to write about how I experience God in my life and seriously, I have times where I feel totally disconnected to any God in my life. I say this to give balance to how I am some days in this life. Having belief or faith is not an easy station, some days! In those moments, I come back to the beauty of our world, to the love I have for my children, family, friends & even my dog Cleo. It is the beauty I see, that helps me to know, there is a God. Who else created such beauty?
This is not what I need to chat about today though. The other subject, I have wanted to express, is what has brought happiness and fun to me in my life. To be honest, I have not found this subject easy. In that, when I think of a subject to write about, I tend to allow it to develop subconsciously for a time and then when I feel moved by the subject, I’ll write about it. Having said that, I truly do not fully know what will come out of me! Believe me when I say this, sometimes, I am surprised by what I write. Writing has always been my safety net. I have diaries galore & note pads and pieces of paper where I have so needed to get out what & how I feel on the inside, OUT! It has always been my safety valve. Not that I use it to its full potential, I have not. If I did, I would finish my autobiography, my novel and my children’s stories! Maybe soon………!
What brings me happiness? Playing when I was a child brought me happiness. Although, in my truth, I was often too busy doing chores and being responsible in my family of origin to play as often as I'd have liked too. Play to children is vital. I can say this now as an adult, because as a child I didn’t know how vital it was to the well-being of the soul. You see way back then, because I was affirmed, for doing house-hold chores, I preferred to do chores, rather than play. I was your ultimate, in my experience, responsible child. But I did love to play the farmer has a wife, skipping, cycling, swimming, ballet, dance and tying a rope around an An Post pole and swing around it for hours, wrapping my body around the pole, no matter how raw my butt got! After a while, I got sense and used a cushion to spare my butt from being rope burnt. Tis a sore thing! You know my children have never had this pleasure!
In my teens, happiness for me was being outrageously safe! A paradox! Yes. I have always needed to be safe, given my life, you can see why. I’ll explain, I grew up in a very suppressed Ireland, where everything was a sin and no one told the truth. I am not blaming here, this was my reality. I used to always hate lies, until I discovered that I lie when I do not feel safe, so it is why other’s lie too. Then I understood when a body lies, it is because they do not feel safe to be truthful. It makes sense to me, because it is why I lied when I was a child. However, in my teens, I rebelled against lies. I would challenge adults around me, whether they were my parents or my teachers with oodles of questions in order to understand life. Seemingly, I did it when I was a child too, so my favourite aunt tells me, I always asked questions. I did stop asking questions in primary & secondary school as it was beaten out of me, as it was at home too. Now to explain why I was outrageous in my teens & in truth, I can still be verbally outrageous, in that I do say it as it is for me! (People find me very challenging because of this, but you know what, I like this part of me!) I couldn’t accept a lot of the tripe I was taught when I was young. My need was always to know WHY? So in my late teens being outrageously safe meant asking those awkward questions that every parent hopes their off spring don’t ask when visitors or the parish priest called………….Well I asked those questions! Much to my parents consternation and to this day, I am still the same! I am more honouring now, (I hope), I’ve learned to be. So asking questions was and still is very important to me & yes it still brings me happiness, even though I can and still do put my size 5’s in it! Over years I learnt not to beat myself up internally at those times I got it skewed ways! I love having the courage to ask questions, that I do not know the answer to, even if it means I may look foolish. Having said that, I do not believe any question is ever foolish!
The only difference between adults and children, are that adults have more life experience and often children are wiser than adults, because children see through the BS!
In my late teens I didn’t date that often, I was too terrified to. If a guy I was dating, “dropped the hand” in the Ark, (A dance hall in Cork), I broke it off with him! Years later, I actually said this to someone and he replied, “Gee Trich, there must be a lot of guys going around Cork with only one hand”! I cracked up laughing at the visual this made in my head. So humour is very important to me and it does bring me much happiness. Comedians I love are Brendan Carroll, because he is outrageous, also Tommy Tiernan and most of all, AbiePB, his humour is so intelligent & funny and I get it, that it brings enormous joy to my life. I can definitely say that I am a major fan of Abie’s and I tend not to be a fan type! Now to clarify here, these comedians were introduced to my life much later in my life! My point here is that in my late teens, I realised that humour and learning to laugh with oneself is a vital part of survival. For me! During my late teens I was a pain in the ass conservative! (Even to myself, believe it or not!)
Falling in love was such a wonderful experience, as was the first eighteen months of my marriage. Month nineteen, the shit hit the fan……… but that’s another story! Being in love is a gift, later on I learnt that being in love with self is far more important! Sadly, I don’t think, I have ever gotten to that place yet. However, I do love & like who I am and in my bones, I know inherently that I am the best person I know and I really love that part of me. This beings happiness to my life too.
#Seriously.
Happiness in adulthood came in the guise of my children and dogs. Both are so much fun as long as I allow them to be. I have learnt my best life lessons from both of them. Your children love you no matter what, they teach you to remember unconditional love, as it is how every child loves. I will truly always be grateful to my beautiful Darling Daughters for reminding me what unconditional love is. What is so remarkable & special about children, is this, for me, they love you no matter what. Allow that to seep into your soul. No matter what it is you do, your child loves you, unconditionally. Are children not a reflection of God’s love for us?
I could write a whole other story about the dogs in my life, for now though, I will concentrate on their loyalty to their master. As a very young child, we had a dog called Skippy, whom I adored. She was killed crossing the road one day & she is buried in the back garden of a house that we lived in, in Togher, Cork. I didn’t realise it then, but for many many years after her death, I could not love any other dog. I was broken hearted when she died. Fast forward twenty six years and I was given a Christmas present of Scienne, a white Westie. I so loved this dog, just like I had so loved Skippy. One morning when she was 8 months old, I let her out to pee before I went to work and when I brought her in again, I looked at her very sad face, and I asked her why she looked so sad? Obviously she didn’t answer! So I went off to work. That evening on my way home, I received a phone call, on one of the first big mobile phones that she had been involved in an accident and to go straight to the vets. She was dead when I arrived. I can honestly say, I cried for a year afterwards. I so missed her love and the fun I had with her. I often wonder why I felt she looked at me in such a sad way that morning.Then I inherited Cleo, another white Westie and she so loves me and is incredibly loyal to me. Even if I get cross with her, she still wags her tail and licks me. (Even though I do not like being licked by a dog!) Plus she is a super companion to me. She too brings much happiness and fun to my life.
My two girls, while very different, I love unconditionally. My happiest memories in my life are with them. In reality, I had my best and worst of times in their presence. But children are so much fun and because I didn’t have as much fun as a child, I did find having fun with them, hard at times. The joy they brought to my life is a gift I will always hold in my heart. In my truth, my children taught me and reminded me what unconditional love is. This is the greatest gift I have received in my life. It is a major source of my happiness too. Children forgive their parents EVERYTHING. Therefore, it is so important to know this and not ever abuse this gift. For it is the greatest gift a parent receives, even when times are tough going. Hold this in your heart, because when they fly the nest, these memories are the stuff that keep you going when your days may get dark.
I have learnt that I need fun in my life as it brings happiness to my being. The last two men I dated were so much fun, that I only recently learnt that fun, is what I need to create for me in my life. What else brings fun to my world? Real relationships that are both honest and mature. And of course my own relationship with me! Humour too. And to dance like there is no one watching and trust me, I am good at that!
Intimacy with myself and another is another source of happiness to me. However, I will refrain from being outrageous on that topic! ;) These are the things that bring me happiness and fun. Today was a good day to remind myself about what brings happiness to my life.
Now ask yourself, what brings you happiness and fun?
This is not what I need to chat about today though. The other subject, I have wanted to express, is what has brought happiness and fun to me in my life. To be honest, I have not found this subject easy. In that, when I think of a subject to write about, I tend to allow it to develop subconsciously for a time and then when I feel moved by the subject, I’ll write about it. Having said that, I truly do not fully know what will come out of me! Believe me when I say this, sometimes, I am surprised by what I write. Writing has always been my safety net. I have diaries galore & note pads and pieces of paper where I have so needed to get out what & how I feel on the inside, OUT! It has always been my safety valve. Not that I use it to its full potential, I have not. If I did, I would finish my autobiography, my novel and my children’s stories! Maybe soon………!
What brings me happiness? Playing when I was a child brought me happiness. Although, in my truth, I was often too busy doing chores and being responsible in my family of origin to play as often as I'd have liked too. Play to children is vital. I can say this now as an adult, because as a child I didn’t know how vital it was to the well-being of the soul. You see way back then, because I was affirmed, for doing house-hold chores, I preferred to do chores, rather than play. I was your ultimate, in my experience, responsible child. But I did love to play the farmer has a wife, skipping, cycling, swimming, ballet, dance and tying a rope around an An Post pole and swing around it for hours, wrapping my body around the pole, no matter how raw my butt got! After a while, I got sense and used a cushion to spare my butt from being rope burnt. Tis a sore thing! You know my children have never had this pleasure!
In my teens, happiness for me was being outrageously safe! A paradox! Yes. I have always needed to be safe, given my life, you can see why. I’ll explain, I grew up in a very suppressed Ireland, where everything was a sin and no one told the truth. I am not blaming here, this was my reality. I used to always hate lies, until I discovered that I lie when I do not feel safe, so it is why other’s lie too. Then I understood when a body lies, it is because they do not feel safe to be truthful. It makes sense to me, because it is why I lied when I was a child. However, in my teens, I rebelled against lies. I would challenge adults around me, whether they were my parents or my teachers with oodles of questions in order to understand life. Seemingly, I did it when I was a child too, so my favourite aunt tells me, I always asked questions. I did stop asking questions in primary & secondary school as it was beaten out of me, as it was at home too. Now to explain why I was outrageous in my teens & in truth, I can still be verbally outrageous, in that I do say it as it is for me! (People find me very challenging because of this, but you know what, I like this part of me!) I couldn’t accept a lot of the tripe I was taught when I was young. My need was always to know WHY? So in my late teens being outrageously safe meant asking those awkward questions that every parent hopes their off spring don’t ask when visitors or the parish priest called………….Well I asked those questions! Much to my parents consternation and to this day, I am still the same! I am more honouring now, (I hope), I’ve learned to be. So asking questions was and still is very important to me & yes it still brings me happiness, even though I can and still do put my size 5’s in it! Over years I learnt not to beat myself up internally at those times I got it skewed ways! I love having the courage to ask questions, that I do not know the answer to, even if it means I may look foolish. Having said that, I do not believe any question is ever foolish!
The only difference between adults and children, are that adults have more life experience and often children are wiser than adults, because children see through the BS!
In my late teens I didn’t date that often, I was too terrified to. If a guy I was dating, “dropped the hand” in the Ark, (A dance hall in Cork), I broke it off with him! Years later, I actually said this to someone and he replied, “Gee Trich, there must be a lot of guys going around Cork with only one hand”! I cracked up laughing at the visual this made in my head. So humour is very important to me and it does bring me much happiness. Comedians I love are Brendan Carroll, because he is outrageous, also Tommy Tiernan and most of all, AbiePB, his humour is so intelligent & funny and I get it, that it brings enormous joy to my life. I can definitely say that I am a major fan of Abie’s and I tend not to be a fan type! Now to clarify here, these comedians were introduced to my life much later in my life! My point here is that in my late teens, I realised that humour and learning to laugh with oneself is a vital part of survival. For me! During my late teens I was a pain in the ass conservative! (Even to myself, believe it or not!)
Falling in love was such a wonderful experience, as was the first eighteen months of my marriage. Month nineteen, the shit hit the fan……… but that’s another story! Being in love is a gift, later on I learnt that being in love with self is far more important! Sadly, I don’t think, I have ever gotten to that place yet. However, I do love & like who I am and in my bones, I know inherently that I am the best person I know and I really love that part of me. This beings happiness to my life too.
#Seriously.
Happiness in adulthood came in the guise of my children and dogs. Both are so much fun as long as I allow them to be. I have learnt my best life lessons from both of them. Your children love you no matter what, they teach you to remember unconditional love, as it is how every child loves. I will truly always be grateful to my beautiful Darling Daughters for reminding me what unconditional love is. What is so remarkable & special about children, is this, for me, they love you no matter what. Allow that to seep into your soul. No matter what it is you do, your child loves you, unconditionally. Are children not a reflection of God’s love for us?
I could write a whole other story about the dogs in my life, for now though, I will concentrate on their loyalty to their master. As a very young child, we had a dog called Skippy, whom I adored. She was killed crossing the road one day & she is buried in the back garden of a house that we lived in, in Togher, Cork. I didn’t realise it then, but for many many years after her death, I could not love any other dog. I was broken hearted when she died. Fast forward twenty six years and I was given a Christmas present of Scienne, a white Westie. I so loved this dog, just like I had so loved Skippy. One morning when she was 8 months old, I let her out to pee before I went to work and when I brought her in again, I looked at her very sad face, and I asked her why she looked so sad? Obviously she didn’t answer! So I went off to work. That evening on my way home, I received a phone call, on one of the first big mobile phones that she had been involved in an accident and to go straight to the vets. She was dead when I arrived. I can honestly say, I cried for a year afterwards. I so missed her love and the fun I had with her. I often wonder why I felt she looked at me in such a sad way that morning.Then I inherited Cleo, another white Westie and she so loves me and is incredibly loyal to me. Even if I get cross with her, she still wags her tail and licks me. (Even though I do not like being licked by a dog!) Plus she is a super companion to me. She too brings much happiness and fun to my life.
My two girls, while very different, I love unconditionally. My happiest memories in my life are with them. In reality, I had my best and worst of times in their presence. But children are so much fun and because I didn’t have as much fun as a child, I did find having fun with them, hard at times. The joy they brought to my life is a gift I will always hold in my heart. In my truth, my children taught me and reminded me what unconditional love is. This is the greatest gift I have received in my life. It is a major source of my happiness too. Children forgive their parents EVERYTHING. Therefore, it is so important to know this and not ever abuse this gift. For it is the greatest gift a parent receives, even when times are tough going. Hold this in your heart, because when they fly the nest, these memories are the stuff that keep you going when your days may get dark.
I have learnt that I need fun in my life as it brings happiness to my being. The last two men I dated were so much fun, that I only recently learnt that fun, is what I need to create for me in my life. What else brings fun to my world? Real relationships that are both honest and mature. And of course my own relationship with me! Humour too. And to dance like there is no one watching and trust me, I am good at that!
Intimacy with myself and another is another source of happiness to me. However, I will refrain from being outrageous on that topic! ;) These are the things that bring me happiness and fun. Today was a good day to remind myself about what brings happiness to my life.
Now ask yourself, what brings you happiness and fun?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Spiritual expression is Love
I’ve wanted to write about my own experience with God for a while now, but didn’t, for a variety of different reasons. One being I didn’t give myself the time to write. Secondly, I felt I needed to be brave to write about how I experience God in my life. Recently, a guy on twitter asked me why I didn’t write more often on my blog & my truth is that I really don’t have an excuse. I give far too much time to twitter & facebook in my spare time.
As most of you may know, I am a qualified relationship mentor & I believe that the most important relationship we have in life is with self. Well, I also believe, that a relationship with God is as important. God for me is God the father & his son Jesus. I tend to pray to them and our lady the most. I love the Sacred Heart & always have. When I have found it really hard to pray in my life, then I tend to say, Oh most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you. It was only when I became a mother myself that Our Lady, became important in my life too. My reason for loving the Sacred Heart is because his heart is exposed and from his heart there is love. I suppose I like to think that I am a heart person & when I reflect on the passion of Christ and what he went through, then he must have loved all of mankind to have gone through such pain & torture for us. Spiritually I am quite traditional. I love praying and any day or days, (as is the case), that I don’t pray, I feel there is something missing in my life. That “something” is solid & good & I have a sense of connection, a feeling of being whole, which I loose, when I disconnect from prayer. I like going to mass too, but rarely go! I’m smiling here because I self-sabotage on what I love to do! I like confession. But again, rarely go. I do the same thing with dance, I say this to give balance.
Who is God? Well when I had religion class in primary school, I was told “God is our father in heaven”. That is seriously abstract isn’t it? In answer to my own question, no, it isn’t as abstract as I may have first thought. God made me & you and I believe, we are all made in his image. So if I am made in God’s image, then what is God’s image? One word, LOVE. Then I am love. I believe love is our eternal legacy to the world & to the people we meet in life. I truly believe that if we really realised how much we are loved by God, that we would weep with joy. Sit with that for a while. Imagine if all the people on earth truly believed & understood we are unconditionally loved, for who we are, warts and all, wouldn’t the world be a fabulous place to live in.
All I need to do is look at the beauty of our world, to see the beauty of God’s love for all mankind. God made us a magnificently beautiful world to inhabit while we live our lives here on earth. Sometimes, I don’t allow that truth settle into the core of my being. I forget.
Then when I try to get any other concept of God, it truly boggles my mind. My human brain just doesn’t grasp that God was always there. Or how could he have thought of making the universe, the stars, the sun, the moon, the whole galaxy! And how was God always there?!? Looking at nature, with its seasonal changes, the PH balance in Oceans, all the animals, flowers & trees, God thought them all up. He thought each individual up too. Now I know you can say, well my Mum & Dad made me & certainly that is true, however, of all the sperm that made it to the egg, one sperm gets through & you are made. Who decides what sperm gets through? Is that a Divine decision? Is that what is so sacred about conception? I do know this, that when both my children were conceived, our love making on both those nights, had an added dimension & was incredible special.
Given the life I have lived, I used to ask this question, how come I didn’t end up a hooker and a drug user or an alcoholic? I am a drug user, in that I smoke cigarettes & I know why I smoke them. I do drink wine, but I am lucky in that my body cannot take a lot of alcohol. I can’t bear to be drunk & sick, so I just don’t go there. I didn’t end up a hooker, mainly because as a child I felt I was one. That is true & I did feel huge shame & guilt about it when I was much younger, until I realised that I didn’t own that shame and guilt. I was after all a child. On a deeper level, I truly believe & it took me years to answer this question for myself, that it was my relationship with God that kept me safe. Some might say, the “Straight & narrow” path, however, in my experience there is nothing straight and narrow about God. God is all encompassing in my experience.
When I was about 15 years old, I hated my father with a passion, I was consumed with hate for him. Then one day, on my way to mass, quite near the church, this voice came into my head and said, “Trich as long as you hate him, you will destroy yourself”. It was a physical jolt to my body & in that moment, I knew this voice was right. Yes you could say this was my own inner wisdom saying this to me, and maybe you’d be right, for me though, I felt it was God saying this to me. From that moment on I prayed so that I would forgive my Dad & equally prayed that I wouldn’t have any sexual hang-ups. Through my prayers, I achieved both. I also did a lot of therapy too. And I started reading psychology & self-help books from the age of 18. From my mid-thirties, I went to college to study human behaviour.
I learned that there are 8 expressions of self, one of those expressions is Spirituality. We are all spiritual beings. It is an area I neglect sometimes. It is an area I love too. Religion doesn’t bother me, because when I was young, I realised that there was only one God anyway & what really matters, is how I live my life here on earth. One of the biggest lessons I learned very early in my life, is that when someone was kind & compassionate to me, I grew taller on the inside, it helped me to feel good about who I am. Much later in my life, I realised that I needed to be both kind and compassionate with me. I didn’t (I hope), forget a kindness done to me. When I realised that kindness lifted my own spirit, I decided to be kind towards others. Through understanding myself, I was able to be compassionate towards people and in so doing, became compassionate towards myself. I believe they are God’s gifts to us all, if we choose them. After all, God gave us the right to choose or free will as some may like to call it.
This year I did a lot of reading on “Near Death Experiences” and without exception, those that travelled towards the Light, through the tunnel and ended up on the other side, experienced in the core of their being, unconditional love. So much so they did not want to return! I have two ambitions in life, one is to be who God made me to be, my need is to be my own unique expression of him here on earth. For me that means being the best of who I am and accepting the worst of who I am and not judging either. In those times where I am not in my best place and hurt those I love and I do, is to seek their forgiveness and my own forgiveness & to say I am sorry. This year saw me have many nights of tears for the hurt I have caused to others & myself in my life. I did try to make amends, but because the person I had hurt, was so hurt, they rejected my attempt to make amends. I don’t for a moment blame them, I accept this is where they are. I also accept when I hurt them, that was where I was! I do wish the outcome had been different.
My only other ambition is that when I die I go home to heaven. I truly desire eternity being in the presence of unconditional love. God.
As most of you may know, I am a qualified relationship mentor & I believe that the most important relationship we have in life is with self. Well, I also believe, that a relationship with God is as important. God for me is God the father & his son Jesus. I tend to pray to them and our lady the most. I love the Sacred Heart & always have. When I have found it really hard to pray in my life, then I tend to say, Oh most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you. It was only when I became a mother myself that Our Lady, became important in my life too. My reason for loving the Sacred Heart is because his heart is exposed and from his heart there is love. I suppose I like to think that I am a heart person & when I reflect on the passion of Christ and what he went through, then he must have loved all of mankind to have gone through such pain & torture for us. Spiritually I am quite traditional. I love praying and any day or days, (as is the case), that I don’t pray, I feel there is something missing in my life. That “something” is solid & good & I have a sense of connection, a feeling of being whole, which I loose, when I disconnect from prayer. I like going to mass too, but rarely go! I’m smiling here because I self-sabotage on what I love to do! I like confession. But again, rarely go. I do the same thing with dance, I say this to give balance.
Who is God? Well when I had religion class in primary school, I was told “God is our father in heaven”. That is seriously abstract isn’t it? In answer to my own question, no, it isn’t as abstract as I may have first thought. God made me & you and I believe, we are all made in his image. So if I am made in God’s image, then what is God’s image? One word, LOVE. Then I am love. I believe love is our eternal legacy to the world & to the people we meet in life. I truly believe that if we really realised how much we are loved by God, that we would weep with joy. Sit with that for a while. Imagine if all the people on earth truly believed & understood we are unconditionally loved, for who we are, warts and all, wouldn’t the world be a fabulous place to live in.
All I need to do is look at the beauty of our world, to see the beauty of God’s love for all mankind. God made us a magnificently beautiful world to inhabit while we live our lives here on earth. Sometimes, I don’t allow that truth settle into the core of my being. I forget.
Then when I try to get any other concept of God, it truly boggles my mind. My human brain just doesn’t grasp that God was always there. Or how could he have thought of making the universe, the stars, the sun, the moon, the whole galaxy! And how was God always there?!? Looking at nature, with its seasonal changes, the PH balance in Oceans, all the animals, flowers & trees, God thought them all up. He thought each individual up too. Now I know you can say, well my Mum & Dad made me & certainly that is true, however, of all the sperm that made it to the egg, one sperm gets through & you are made. Who decides what sperm gets through? Is that a Divine decision? Is that what is so sacred about conception? I do know this, that when both my children were conceived, our love making on both those nights, had an added dimension & was incredible special.
Given the life I have lived, I used to ask this question, how come I didn’t end up a hooker and a drug user or an alcoholic? I am a drug user, in that I smoke cigarettes & I know why I smoke them. I do drink wine, but I am lucky in that my body cannot take a lot of alcohol. I can’t bear to be drunk & sick, so I just don’t go there. I didn’t end up a hooker, mainly because as a child I felt I was one. That is true & I did feel huge shame & guilt about it when I was much younger, until I realised that I didn’t own that shame and guilt. I was after all a child. On a deeper level, I truly believe & it took me years to answer this question for myself, that it was my relationship with God that kept me safe. Some might say, the “Straight & narrow” path, however, in my experience there is nothing straight and narrow about God. God is all encompassing in my experience.
When I was about 15 years old, I hated my father with a passion, I was consumed with hate for him. Then one day, on my way to mass, quite near the church, this voice came into my head and said, “Trich as long as you hate him, you will destroy yourself”. It was a physical jolt to my body & in that moment, I knew this voice was right. Yes you could say this was my own inner wisdom saying this to me, and maybe you’d be right, for me though, I felt it was God saying this to me. From that moment on I prayed so that I would forgive my Dad & equally prayed that I wouldn’t have any sexual hang-ups. Through my prayers, I achieved both. I also did a lot of therapy too. And I started reading psychology & self-help books from the age of 18. From my mid-thirties, I went to college to study human behaviour.
I learned that there are 8 expressions of self, one of those expressions is Spirituality. We are all spiritual beings. It is an area I neglect sometimes. It is an area I love too. Religion doesn’t bother me, because when I was young, I realised that there was only one God anyway & what really matters, is how I live my life here on earth. One of the biggest lessons I learned very early in my life, is that when someone was kind & compassionate to me, I grew taller on the inside, it helped me to feel good about who I am. Much later in my life, I realised that I needed to be both kind and compassionate with me. I didn’t (I hope), forget a kindness done to me. When I realised that kindness lifted my own spirit, I decided to be kind towards others. Through understanding myself, I was able to be compassionate towards people and in so doing, became compassionate towards myself. I believe they are God’s gifts to us all, if we choose them. After all, God gave us the right to choose or free will as some may like to call it.
This year I did a lot of reading on “Near Death Experiences” and without exception, those that travelled towards the Light, through the tunnel and ended up on the other side, experienced in the core of their being, unconditional love. So much so they did not want to return! I have two ambitions in life, one is to be who God made me to be, my need is to be my own unique expression of him here on earth. For me that means being the best of who I am and accepting the worst of who I am and not judging either. In those times where I am not in my best place and hurt those I love and I do, is to seek their forgiveness and my own forgiveness & to say I am sorry. This year saw me have many nights of tears for the hurt I have caused to others & myself in my life. I did try to make amends, but because the person I had hurt, was so hurt, they rejected my attempt to make amends. I don’t for a moment blame them, I accept this is where they are. I also accept when I hurt them, that was where I was! I do wish the outcome had been different.
My only other ambition is that when I die I go home to heaven. I truly desire eternity being in the presence of unconditional love. God.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
It always comes back to LOVE
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. -Dr. Seuss
13/9/11
I went on to Twitter very early this morning and saw this quote, which was apt for where I am right now in my life.
A relationship I was in for 3 years, on and off, ended. I don’t intend to blame either him or me. I don’t do blame.
I own what I own and I take full responsibility for my part in the break-up.
There is no doubt in my heart that I love this man and always will. I love when he smiled, he showed his inner beauty, his humour is incredibly funny. He used to think I was funny, when I didn’t even realise it!
He is eclectic and so logical. Brilliant with computers too, from which I gained. I gained in many other ways too. He also has passion & loves bold. I do bold well!
We had great fun together.
It was a difficult relationship for both of us.
However, it is not that I wish to dwell upon. What I learned in this relationship, about me, will stand me in good stead for the rest of my life here on earth. I am deeply grateful for that, even though, it was one of the most painful lessons I have ever learned. He never set out to teach me this lesson, nor, I believe, did he know he would teach me this lesson, but he did.
I’ve just realised todays date! Today seventeen years ago, my marriage ended.I am so emotional right now! On this day 17 years ago, my ex-husband and I separated.
(Long pause here)
You know, I didn’t know then, that 17 years later I’d still be single! I am glad I didn’t! Truly.
It would have been too big to bear for me then.
My truth be told, I didn’t give another relationship much thought. In fact, it took me 5 years after my marriage break-up to go out with someone else. I felt too vulnerable. Even when I did get back into another relationship, the truth eventually came out, as it always does. He was in fact, married. But I didn’t know that, until, it was finished and then his wife phoned me! That will be a whole other chapter in itself in my autobiography!
One truth, that is my truth, is that when a relationship is very difficult, as my three relationships have been for me, it is important to listen & know it is time to honour self and move on. I am slow to listen to my inner voice! That inherent knowing wisdom, that I have yet to learn to trust fully.
Ironically and paradoxically, I am trained as a relation mentor. If there was anything more in my face, it is this moment, it is to believe my own inner voice! I need to have a healthier more loving relationship with Trich! Because, ALL relationships begin with self! That IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP, it is AS important as my spiritual relationship with GOD!We are all spiritual being too. God says in his commandments, LOVE GOD, YOUR NEIGHBOUR, AS YOURSELF!
Do you know, I didn’t set out to write about the fact that my marriage legally ended today 17 years ago, in my truth, it had ended long before that. I intended to pay tribute to my last love, but when a body sits down to write, expect the unexpected! I did not expect to write this.
Each love I’ve had, of which there were three, each taught me much about who I am. How our attraction, was, based upon our own unique pain bodies, which attracts like with like. Whose sole intention is to heal each one of us individually, if we allow the lesson to be positive, rather than negative. The most important blessing I have learned about love, is it is an energy and that energy does NOT die, even if we deny it. Love never dies. Love is the essence of GOD, GOD will never die, therefore, LOVE never dies. Unless of course, we choose perdition!
Choose wisely…………………………………… Love is forever, if you choose this path.
I dedicate this to the men I have loved and still love, always and forever.
Copy right protected.
This forms another chapter in my autobiography.
13/9/11
I went on to Twitter very early this morning and saw this quote, which was apt for where I am right now in my life.
A relationship I was in for 3 years, on and off, ended. I don’t intend to blame either him or me. I don’t do blame.
I own what I own and I take full responsibility for my part in the break-up.
There is no doubt in my heart that I love this man and always will. I love when he smiled, he showed his inner beauty, his humour is incredibly funny. He used to think I was funny, when I didn’t even realise it!
He is eclectic and so logical. Brilliant with computers too, from which I gained. I gained in many other ways too. He also has passion & loves bold. I do bold well!
We had great fun together.
It was a difficult relationship for both of us.
However, it is not that I wish to dwell upon. What I learned in this relationship, about me, will stand me in good stead for the rest of my life here on earth. I am deeply grateful for that, even though, it was one of the most painful lessons I have ever learned. He never set out to teach me this lesson, nor, I believe, did he know he would teach me this lesson, but he did.
I’ve just realised todays date! Today seventeen years ago, my marriage ended.I am so emotional right now! On this day 17 years ago, my ex-husband and I separated.
(Long pause here)
You know, I didn’t know then, that 17 years later I’d still be single! I am glad I didn’t! Truly.
It would have been too big to bear for me then.
My truth be told, I didn’t give another relationship much thought. In fact, it took me 5 years after my marriage break-up to go out with someone else. I felt too vulnerable. Even when I did get back into another relationship, the truth eventually came out, as it always does. He was in fact, married. But I didn’t know that, until, it was finished and then his wife phoned me! That will be a whole other chapter in itself in my autobiography!
One truth, that is my truth, is that when a relationship is very difficult, as my three relationships have been for me, it is important to listen & know it is time to honour self and move on. I am slow to listen to my inner voice! That inherent knowing wisdom, that I have yet to learn to trust fully.
Ironically and paradoxically, I am trained as a relation mentor. If there was anything more in my face, it is this moment, it is to believe my own inner voice! I need to have a healthier more loving relationship with Trich! Because, ALL relationships begin with self! That IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP, it is AS important as my spiritual relationship with GOD!We are all spiritual being too. God says in his commandments, LOVE GOD, YOUR NEIGHBOUR, AS YOURSELF!
Do you know, I didn’t set out to write about the fact that my marriage legally ended today 17 years ago, in my truth, it had ended long before that. I intended to pay tribute to my last love, but when a body sits down to write, expect the unexpected! I did not expect to write this.
Each love I’ve had, of which there were three, each taught me much about who I am. How our attraction, was, based upon our own unique pain bodies, which attracts like with like. Whose sole intention is to heal each one of us individually, if we allow the lesson to be positive, rather than negative. The most important blessing I have learned about love, is it is an energy and that energy does NOT die, even if we deny it. Love never dies. Love is the essence of GOD, GOD will never die, therefore, LOVE never dies. Unless of course, we choose perdition!
Choose wisely…………………………………… Love is forever, if you choose this path.
I dedicate this to the men I have loved and still love, always and forever.
Copy right protected.
This forms another chapter in my autobiography.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Life teaches us all the time, sometimes, I don't listen!
When I write I get lost in a different world. Actually that world has its own natural buzz.
In 1999, I decided to take a career break from my good job in Dublin with the then EHB.
The previous number of years had been gruelling. A story I will tell in full, in my autobiography.
In September 1988, four years after my marriage, I discovered, I was pregnant for the second time. I knew I was pregnant while driving to Limerick, with my almost, two and half year old daughter Robyn. I was ovulating & I knew instantly, that I was pregnant with another daughter. Here was my logic, I had taken a “chance” four nights previously and for the second time in my life to that point, our loving making, was a very special. (When, in my experience you make another life it is also spiritually unique.) The first time this had happened was when Robyn was conceived. That was clue number one. I also decided that only the XY chromosome would be stronger to survive the long journey to my ovaries and was more robust than the XX chromosome, hence, the baby would be a girl. I was pleased about that, that the baby would be a girl. I had always felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. My reasons for saying this were, I was the second child and had an older brother who bullied me when we were children & into my teens. I hated being bullied by him. As the second male in our family, he was, in my opinion, spoilt! I being the eldest girl, tended to get a lot of the household chores, as my mother worked outside the home. I had always sworn that if I ever had a son, he would do as many jobs as any daughter I might have! That was the reason, I felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. In reality, I have no idea if that, would be the case, but it was how I had felt then!
I was driving to see my aunt, who had just given birth to her second child after sixteen years.
I stayed in Limerick for a week or so and had in the meantime phoned home & confided my instincts to my husband, he naturally did not believe me! As soon as I thought I’d be able to confirm my pregnancy, I got to a chemist and bought a pregnancy kit. When said hubby got home that night, the evidence was there and he could not deny the blue line with the plus!
In truth, I wasn’t happy about being pregnant, although, it was the least of my worries. You see I knew in my gut, that my marriage was doomed to fail. Even then and I had huge sadness about it. I so wanted and needed my marriage to work. Sadly, that wasn’t in my reality.
However, being protective of myself & my growing baby, I went into denial about this fact! In truth, I did have psychological “leak outs”, as we humans do, but then, I didn’t know that this is what they were called then. (In that, I knew in my core that my marriage would end, but for my own protection and my babies, I denied it, however, it kept coming back to my consciousness from time to time, hence, psychological leak out!) In and around three months, I started to bleed and was ordered to bed rest. I remember talking with my growing baby and I asked her to stay. The conversation went a little like this…..”I know I didn’t plan to have you, I wouldn’t have ever planned on having a second child, however, little baby, I love you and I want you to stay. What do you think? Would you like me as a Mummy?” All the while I would be gently massaging my tummy and speaking with my voice full of love for this child growing inside of me. She did decide to stay & Megan arrived into our world in August of 1989.
One month to the day later, hubby had a vasectomy. We had to use condoms for the next three months. I’m smiling here as I write this, because, at the time, I lived in Naas County Kildare and there was a chemist, I had the misfortune to ask, do you have condoms? I was given a glaring stare of mega disapproval and told frankly, “No, we don’t sell them”. I was mortified walking out of that shop. In those days condoms were not freely available and only became legalised in Ireland in 1994!
I vividly remember breast feeding Megan one day when she was nearly five months old and adoring her as I looked down at this beautiful child and thanking her for staying with me. I told her how thrilled and grateful I was that she had stayed. It was a very special moment.
Christmas week, hubby got a phone call from the Vasectomy Consultant’s office, to say that his seaman was clear of sperm and we could go ahead and have unprotected sex! What a Christmas present! In reality, it wasn't, not really!
The following year, near the end of September, we were all travelling to Birmingham for a huge gardening /Horticultural / hardware exhibition. We would stay with hubby’s brother & wife. I had weaned Megan off the boob at the end of July, one, because I followed her sister’s pattern of being allergic to feeding at eleven and a half months. And two, I had had enough! Sin é.
This meant I was free to go out while we were away and meet up with all the suppliers / customers I knew, as my sister-in-law had agreed to look after the girls. I was really looking forward to it. So before I left Ireland I went to my doctor to get a prescription for the pill, as I had had my first period after 20 months and it had lasted for three weeks and I wasn’t having any of that! For whatever reason, I forgot the prescription & seriously didn’t think of it for the first week I was in Birmingham.
That first week was full of dining out and meeting up with suppliers and customers and I wasn’t well! The nausea was awful and I had to really control my breathing in order to subdue it and I picked at my food. I even remember to this day saying to myself one night over dinner, “This feels like I am pregnant” and then I reprimanded myself by saying, “go on ya eejit Trich”! In the second week, the exhibition was over and one night, I got my period! Mad panic I can tell you, when I realised I didn’t have my prescription with me! However, my wonderful sister-in-law made an appointment for me with her GP. He asked me was the pill to prevent pregnancy and I categorically stated NO. Hubby had a vasectomy last year and this was purely to regulate my period! So he gave me the prescription and I duly got the pill and couldn’t believe the whole experience didn’t cost me a cent! We have never had a service in Ireland like the NHS, God bless them.
Two months later, I was giving my 3rd and final speech in Naas toastmasters, it was a Wednesday night. My evaluator gave me the worst evaluation ever! I was gutted, because it had taken so much courage for me to stand up and do this speech! All he spoke about during my evaluation was the other person’s speech and how good they were! I wasn’t confident enough then or even mature enough to realise that that was about him, rather than me. My speech had been good, not brilliant, but quite good, I thought. Anyway, I was devastated about it. The following day I moped around the house and cried my heart out. Little did I know, I was in fact, very hormonal! At exactly 5 P.M. I was in the loo having a miscarriage and for the first and only time in my hubby’s life with me, he walked in the front door, while I stood frozen to the spot with a three month old foetus!
I hadn’t even known I was pregnant! In Birmingham, I had totally dismissed my notion of pregnancy. I wasn’t listening to my own internal wisdom! This I can still do!
To cut a long story short, the previous August, before we had gone to the UK, hubby woke up one Saturday morning in testicular agony. He didn’t have “Blue Balls”, as we had made love the previous night! So he hurry’s off to the doctor with testicles gently in hand, to discover, he had a large swelling in the left one! He needed a scan, however, he never went for it, as he was too busy preparing for the exhibition in Birmingham. He was given antibiotics, however, the swelling, which had been there a while, had acted as a bridge between the two vast deference, that had been cut in surgery & hence, I conceived for the third & last time in my life. This swelling acted as a bridge & allowed sperm through, it was called “an act of God” and the chances of it happening are one in seven thousand! My sister laughed when I told her and said, “it could only happen to you Trich”, that was all the sympathy I got from her. I was devastated and in absolute shock and even more so, when I heard the Vasectomy Consultant said to hubby, “Now Mr O’ you must take into consideration that your wife may have had an affair!” I still get angry with the fecker for judging me like that. For the record, I didn’t have an affair. If Mr Consultant had only known the trauma I went through, he could not have ever said this, but he did and it was more trauma for me!
I have since studied psychology for five years, so I know a lot more now about who I am. I am still learning & learning about who I am isn't always easy, given I still don't always trust my own inner voice! I do love who God made me to be. I know, I am human in the best & worst aspects of human frailty! Life and my responses to it, whether I choose to be honesty or deceitful or positive or negative, IT IS MY CHOICE, I constantly choose my way of being in our world. I am deeply grateful to have all the choice I have.
Ben's presence in my life taught me to listen to my own natural wisdom. I write this today, because since, there have been many times, I still haven't listened. I write this as a reminder, to myself, of the importance of listening to my inner voice.
Ben, my son, died on the 28th November 1990.
This is your story Ben, I am grateful for what you taught me, even though, your presence in my life was short.
With much love always and forever xox
Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness ~ Shakti Gawain In my experience, this is true!
Copy right protected.
This forms a chapter in my autobiography.
In 1999, I decided to take a career break from my good job in Dublin with the then EHB.
The previous number of years had been gruelling. A story I will tell in full, in my autobiography.
In September 1988, four years after my marriage, I discovered, I was pregnant for the second time. I knew I was pregnant while driving to Limerick, with my almost, two and half year old daughter Robyn. I was ovulating & I knew instantly, that I was pregnant with another daughter. Here was my logic, I had taken a “chance” four nights previously and for the second time in my life to that point, our loving making, was a very special. (When, in my experience you make another life it is also spiritually unique.) The first time this had happened was when Robyn was conceived. That was clue number one. I also decided that only the XY chromosome would be stronger to survive the long journey to my ovaries and was more robust than the XX chromosome, hence, the baby would be a girl. I was pleased about that, that the baby would be a girl. I had always felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. My reasons for saying this were, I was the second child and had an older brother who bullied me when we were children & into my teens. I hated being bullied by him. As the second male in our family, he was, in my opinion, spoilt! I being the eldest girl, tended to get a lot of the household chores, as my mother worked outside the home. I had always sworn that if I ever had a son, he would do as many jobs as any daughter I might have! That was the reason, I felt, I wouldn’t be as good a Mum to a boy. In reality, I have no idea if that, would be the case, but it was how I had felt then!
I was driving to see my aunt, who had just given birth to her second child after sixteen years.
I stayed in Limerick for a week or so and had in the meantime phoned home & confided my instincts to my husband, he naturally did not believe me! As soon as I thought I’d be able to confirm my pregnancy, I got to a chemist and bought a pregnancy kit. When said hubby got home that night, the evidence was there and he could not deny the blue line with the plus!
In truth, I wasn’t happy about being pregnant, although, it was the least of my worries. You see I knew in my gut, that my marriage was doomed to fail. Even then and I had huge sadness about it. I so wanted and needed my marriage to work. Sadly, that wasn’t in my reality.
However, being protective of myself & my growing baby, I went into denial about this fact! In truth, I did have psychological “leak outs”, as we humans do, but then, I didn’t know that this is what they were called then. (In that, I knew in my core that my marriage would end, but for my own protection and my babies, I denied it, however, it kept coming back to my consciousness from time to time, hence, psychological leak out!) In and around three months, I started to bleed and was ordered to bed rest. I remember talking with my growing baby and I asked her to stay. The conversation went a little like this…..”I know I didn’t plan to have you, I wouldn’t have ever planned on having a second child, however, little baby, I love you and I want you to stay. What do you think? Would you like me as a Mummy?” All the while I would be gently massaging my tummy and speaking with my voice full of love for this child growing inside of me. She did decide to stay & Megan arrived into our world in August of 1989.
One month to the day later, hubby had a vasectomy. We had to use condoms for the next three months. I’m smiling here as I write this, because, at the time, I lived in Naas County Kildare and there was a chemist, I had the misfortune to ask, do you have condoms? I was given a glaring stare of mega disapproval and told frankly, “No, we don’t sell them”. I was mortified walking out of that shop. In those days condoms were not freely available and only became legalised in Ireland in 1994!
I vividly remember breast feeding Megan one day when she was nearly five months old and adoring her as I looked down at this beautiful child and thanking her for staying with me. I told her how thrilled and grateful I was that she had stayed. It was a very special moment.
Christmas week, hubby got a phone call from the Vasectomy Consultant’s office, to say that his seaman was clear of sperm and we could go ahead and have unprotected sex! What a Christmas present! In reality, it wasn't, not really!
The following year, near the end of September, we were all travelling to Birmingham for a huge gardening /Horticultural / hardware exhibition. We would stay with hubby’s brother & wife. I had weaned Megan off the boob at the end of July, one, because I followed her sister’s pattern of being allergic to feeding at eleven and a half months. And two, I had had enough! Sin é.
This meant I was free to go out while we were away and meet up with all the suppliers / customers I knew, as my sister-in-law had agreed to look after the girls. I was really looking forward to it. So before I left Ireland I went to my doctor to get a prescription for the pill, as I had had my first period after 20 months and it had lasted for three weeks and I wasn’t having any of that! For whatever reason, I forgot the prescription & seriously didn’t think of it for the first week I was in Birmingham.
That first week was full of dining out and meeting up with suppliers and customers and I wasn’t well! The nausea was awful and I had to really control my breathing in order to subdue it and I picked at my food. I even remember to this day saying to myself one night over dinner, “This feels like I am pregnant” and then I reprimanded myself by saying, “go on ya eejit Trich”! In the second week, the exhibition was over and one night, I got my period! Mad panic I can tell you, when I realised I didn’t have my prescription with me! However, my wonderful sister-in-law made an appointment for me with her GP. He asked me was the pill to prevent pregnancy and I categorically stated NO. Hubby had a vasectomy last year and this was purely to regulate my period! So he gave me the prescription and I duly got the pill and couldn’t believe the whole experience didn’t cost me a cent! We have never had a service in Ireland like the NHS, God bless them.
Two months later, I was giving my 3rd and final speech in Naas toastmasters, it was a Wednesday night. My evaluator gave me the worst evaluation ever! I was gutted, because it had taken so much courage for me to stand up and do this speech! All he spoke about during my evaluation was the other person’s speech and how good they were! I wasn’t confident enough then or even mature enough to realise that that was about him, rather than me. My speech had been good, not brilliant, but quite good, I thought. Anyway, I was devastated about it. The following day I moped around the house and cried my heart out. Little did I know, I was in fact, very hormonal! At exactly 5 P.M. I was in the loo having a miscarriage and for the first and only time in my hubby’s life with me, he walked in the front door, while I stood frozen to the spot with a three month old foetus!
I hadn’t even known I was pregnant! In Birmingham, I had totally dismissed my notion of pregnancy. I wasn’t listening to my own internal wisdom! This I can still do!
To cut a long story short, the previous August, before we had gone to the UK, hubby woke up one Saturday morning in testicular agony. He didn’t have “Blue Balls”, as we had made love the previous night! So he hurry’s off to the doctor with testicles gently in hand, to discover, he had a large swelling in the left one! He needed a scan, however, he never went for it, as he was too busy preparing for the exhibition in Birmingham. He was given antibiotics, however, the swelling, which had been there a while, had acted as a bridge between the two vast deference, that had been cut in surgery & hence, I conceived for the third & last time in my life. This swelling acted as a bridge & allowed sperm through, it was called “an act of God” and the chances of it happening are one in seven thousand! My sister laughed when I told her and said, “it could only happen to you Trich”, that was all the sympathy I got from her. I was devastated and in absolute shock and even more so, when I heard the Vasectomy Consultant said to hubby, “Now Mr O’ you must take into consideration that your wife may have had an affair!” I still get angry with the fecker for judging me like that. For the record, I didn’t have an affair. If Mr Consultant had only known the trauma I went through, he could not have ever said this, but he did and it was more trauma for me!
I have since studied psychology for five years, so I know a lot more now about who I am. I am still learning & learning about who I am isn't always easy, given I still don't always trust my own inner voice! I do love who God made me to be. I know, I am human in the best & worst aspects of human frailty! Life and my responses to it, whether I choose to be honesty or deceitful or positive or negative, IT IS MY CHOICE, I constantly choose my way of being in our world. I am deeply grateful to have all the choice I have.
Ben's presence in my life taught me to listen to my own natural wisdom. I write this today, because since, there have been many times, I still haven't listened. I write this as a reminder, to myself, of the importance of listening to my inner voice.
Ben, my son, died on the 28th November 1990.
This is your story Ben, I am grateful for what you taught me, even though, your presence in my life was short.
With much love always and forever xox
Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness ~ Shakti Gawain In my experience, this is true!
Copy right protected.
This forms a chapter in my autobiography.
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